Newcastle: You're In Safe Hands

All Change At Newcastle!

BT Sport can reveal today that in very bizarre circumstances Alan Pardew's 9 year contract has been ripped up and he has been fired! Mike Ashley went to the toilet and either Pardew or Joe Kinnear stole his Chicken and Mushroom pie and neither of them owned up to it so he amazingly fired them.



This is just another in a long line of stupid things that Mike Ashley has done. Former manager Alan Pardew spoke of his shock at being sacked. 'It is silly, everyone knows what a fat idiot Joe is, if Mike cant see that then wow!'



Kinnear bit back, 'If I was going down then that idiot was going down with me. I will always get my job back at Newcastle.'



Both men are taking action against Mike Ashley.

When Sky Sports contacted the bookies to see who was favourite to take over they couldn't provide any information as they were not sure who would want to work for a man like Mike Ashley.

Ashley seen in local Chippy with Unemployed Manager

Mike Ashley was seen in the local chippy with Alan Shearer. This has got bookies making him the 6/4F to take the job because lets face it if you buy Mike Ashley a Pie you will get some sort of work with him.

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Shearer, who has managed Newcastle before looks like the man and the fans would be surprisingly happy with that appointment.

On twitter however a little known guy called Jason might also be in line for the job after Mike Ashley might have decided that he can pay Jason less wages.

Jason Smith is a factory worker and sent his CV in for a joke saying that he had won the world cup with Columbia and San Marino on Football Manager 2010. He also said that he had took Newcastle all the way to the Champions League final on it too.

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Surely Ashley wont be silly and hire the gamer! only time will tell.

Shearer Told He Has No Chance!

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In an amazing twist, Mike Ashley has told Alan Shearer he has no chance of landing the vacent Newcastle job. Ashley said there is a very talented man who will fill the big club that is Newcastle United.

Shearer expessed his disgust and disapointment of how he was told. Shearer said that he was told by text message that he was not going to land the job. It is now highly rumoured that this 'gamer' guy Jason Smith will be taking over.

Smith is a guy from the midlands and has said that he knows how he wants Newcastle to play. The fans dont want him but that is because Shearer was linked to the job.

He only sent in the application for a joke and the fact he is favourite for the job now means that Mike Ashley might also be treating this as a joke. At 27 he would be one of the youngest managers in the Premiership. He has amazingly got management qualifications but he has spent 4 years managing younger team like under 8's this is going to be one hell of a jump if he does get this job.

Smith Is Hired

Well it was coming, Mike Ashley has hired Jason Smith to manage Newcastle. Smith has experience manager the under 8's and under 9's colts.

'This is unbelievable' said an emotional Jason. I can not wait to manage an actual club! I mean how hard can it be? I took Newcastle to the Champions League final.

When asked about how he did it on Football Manager. Smith laughed and said I have never played Football Manager....It is amazing how gullible people are. There was shock in the room and Mike Ashley laughed and said, I am sure he joking.



There was a deftly silence in the room, as people thought what to ask, one journalist asked who do you expect to sign? Smith said well I will ask Barcelona if I can cheat to get messi, if they say no then I will be looking at good youngsters like......Ummm....Will Hughes.



There was laughter in the room as Smith got up to leave. He might not be experienced but he sure will provide entertainment.

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Smith Signs Director of Football

Jason Smith today signed his Director of Football today. Dave Bassett, 69 signed a 3 year contract and will look to buy the players that Smith wants.

Smith said he was very happy with the man he signed and can't wait to give him the list of players that he wants.

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Mike Ashley has said that Smith will have money but he will need to raise some from selling players too. Smith will have to get creative. Davide Santon is a target for a few teams and Smith said to watch this space.