CROATIAN ROYAL TAKES OVER SAINTS' TOP SPOT
His Excellency, King Timmy the Magnificent of Croatia, whose entire title would take up the rest of today's edition of the newspaper and most of tomorrow's, has taken over Southampton as his latest massive addition to his already quite expansive sporting portfolio. The new Southampton owner, who didn't bother with just the minority stake and took an effort to buy every last share, including three historical shares owned by Northampton, is already the owner of several massive enterprises, including the current European Champions in Handball, Waterpolo, a prominent tennis club in Split, the Zagreb Ski Club, and the exclusive rights to F1 Dubrovnik, which will host it's inaugural event in 2016.

Despite owning minority stakes in Real Madrid, AC Milan, and Olympique de Marseille, it is said that Bendiš had become disillusioned with life on the board without ultimate control, as his 20% could, at best, swing opinion to the rest of the minority. He relishes the absolute power of controlling 100% of the club, and has already said that he looks forward to working with other new members of the Premier League Ownership Club.

Bendiš stated last night, "I am pleased to announce ownership of the club, but I'd like to reassure the club, the team, and the players: we won't be selling anyone unless stupid money comes in. This is in an effort to project stability, and to continue growing to the top. We feel that, because the team is so young, we can build on it, and succeed if they work together as a team.

"That being said, using some of the extra money in the club's coffers, we are pleased to announce the deal for Raheem Sterling, being brought from Liverpool, for an undisclosed amount. Sterling is 18, and an excellent prospect for the future of Southampton.

"Thank you all for the support"

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Yaya Toure is on his way to the Bridge in a deal which will see Chelsea pay £57m to Manchester City along with sending veteren midfielder Michael Essien to the Etihad.

Sagna has signed for Chelsea after a deal for Cesar Azpilicueta plus £10m was accepted.



Ryan Bertrand and Demba Ba are heading to West Brom after a £18m bid for the two players was accepted.

Gary Cahill, Willian and John Obi Mikel will be joining Essien as they head to the Etihad, bringing in £65.5m.

Samuel Eto'o will be heading to Stoke after signing a contract worth £10m.

Andre Schurrle is off to Craven Cottage, sealing a deal that will cost Fulham £15m

Romelu Lukaku will be playing this season at White Hart Lane, Spurs will be paying his contract in full plus £750k per month.

Josh McEachran and Thibaut Courtois will be playing at West Ham, they will be paying both of their contracts in full plus £100k per month for Courtois.

Wallace will be joining Bertrand and Ba at West Brom on loan until the end of the season, the midlands club will be paying his contract in full.

Kevin De Bruyne will be heading to Stoke City on loan until the end of the season where his contract will be payed in full with £100k per month.

Anyone wanting to co-chairmen everton chat me ASAP

Following the recent arrival of businessman George Foreman and Peter Hill-Wood in the past week, Norwich City have had their finances boosted substantially. Not only that, but an apparent link seems to have been formed with a strong Tottenham Hotspur side, with the London club thought to have partnered up with The Canaries, with a view of sending players out for development and also being able to move their out of favour players to the Norfolk club on loan, or possibly for a cheaper fee, with Spurs receiving first option on any want-away Norwich players, or if Tottenham, also under new ownership, take an interest in any players from their feeder club, they will be enabled to make a bid before any other team.



Examples of this have already been seen in the recent loan dealings into Carrow Road of Emmanuel Adebayor and Andros Townsend. Further negotiations have taken place this evening - this time, one will leave Norwich, and one will come into the club. After Nacer Chadli, who only joined Spurs in the summer, was placed on the transfer list by the new chairman, Norwich took an immediate interest, and a bid was made. After drawn out negotiations, a deal was finally reached. Swedish fullback Martin Olsson will leave Norwich, along with £8 million of the clubs' funds, in exchange for the Belgian winger. Both sets of fans are optimistic of future deals between the two clubs.

In a surprise event, England legend David Beckham and popular singer, Shakira, who also dates Barcelona centre back, Gerard Pique, have taken over from Bill Kenwright. The two have taken over with immediate effect, after allerged rumours were quickly passed round Twitter over Kenwright, due to fears he had gone bankrupt, this was followed up the next day, after he put the club up to buy.

Kenwright, who was very upset to leave Everton, told BBC Sport, “It was very depressing to have to leave the club, I made a foolish mistake at a casino in Los Vegas, where I ended up a fool, due to making a silly bid on a roulette machine. I don’t know what came over me, I had no choice but to put the club up for sale, I had nothing to put into the club, it would’ve just put the club into deep financial trouble and administration. I know the club will benefit from the takeover of Beckham and Shakira, who both, I’m sure will invest a lot of money into this team.”

The new chairman, David Beckham and chairwomen, Shakira, also spoke to us and we quote “We’re really glad to be part of Everton and this lovely community we play our football in, this is a new challenge for me(Beckham.) I’ve played on the pitch and now I want to prove myself as a chairman and my lovely chairwomen, Shakira, is willing to help assist me. Yes, thanks for the welcoming we’ve received as well, it’s been amazing and I personally (Shakira) am humbled from what I have saw, thank you.”

KING OF SOUTHAMPTON BEING UNREASONABLE
His excellency, King Timmy the First, has recently been... well... rather unreasonable in transfer business, as several highly touted and very rich clubs have been coming to his humble palace in Dubrovnik, looking to discuss the moves of Luke Shaw, James Ward-Prowse, Lallana, and such.

Bendiš, being the reasonable chap he is, has been quoting, what we hear are some absurd numbers. In fact, so high are the numbers that the opposition chairmen are quoting that we, as a news organization, are having trouble with our morals printing them... because they just seem like absurd rumormongering.

Seriously though. No one in their right mind would ask for 60 million pounds for Luke Shaw...

Mass overhaul at West Brom

New West Brom chairman, Sir TANAYYYYYYYYY, has kept to his word, by massively overhauling his squad, with an outstanding 9 players coming into the club, and 8 players leaving the club. He also had brought in a new head coach, and one with a lot of past managerial experience at the top level, in Spain manager, Vincente Del Bosque, who reportedly, once he heard what the new chairman had in mind for the club, ‘signed for a pound’. Here are the deals which went on at the Hawthorns this transfer window.

IN:

The first big deal they completed was a double swoop for Chelsea duo Demba Ba and Ryan Bertrand, for a combined fee of 18M. Ba brings with him a wealth of experience, and despite not having a great last season, fans will hope he can show the quality similar to when he was at Newcastle; the kind of form which prompted Chelsea to buy him in the first place.


Another double swoop, but this time for Liverpool duo, Martin Kelly and Joe Allen, who will join for a combined fee of 12M, with another £1.5M paid due to legal matters settled by the club. Kelly, who has been at Liverpool for his whole career, joined to get more game time, ahead of next year’s World Cup. Joe Allen, a former Swansea player, joined Brendan Rodgers at Liverpool, but failed to shine as much as his £15M price tag would suggest he would, so this move will hopefully see him resurrect his career.


Robert Snodgrass has also joined the club from Norwich after West Brom’s early bid of 5M was accepted by the club. Snodgrass, impressed last year for the club in his first year in the Premier League, and was courted by many suitors, but he decided to choose the midlands club, where he feels he can thrive.


Another striker has joined the ranks, as 32 year old Bulgarian, Dimitar Berbatov joined for a fee of £4M. Berbatov, a former Spurs and Manchester United star, boasts a range of experience and has a knack for scoring a lot of goals, shown by his form last season, where he led the Fulham attack, scoring 15 goals in the process.


The last 3 incomings were all loan deals, with right back Wallace joining from Chelsea, after he was recalled from a loan spell at Inter Milan, centre back Jordi Amat joining from Swansea, as part of another deal involving the two clubs, and goalkeeper Declan Rudd joining from Norwich as a backup replacement to the departing Boaz Myhill.


OUT:


The first player to leave was left back Liam Ridgewell, who moved to Merseyside in a deal worth £.8M and signed a contract with Liverpool. Ridgwell had moved clubs for a while, before settling at WBA, where he became a regular last season, but due to the arrival of Ryan Bertrand, he has moved on to new pastures.


The next player to depart was striker Shane Long, who made a £5M move to Swansea, in a deal which also defender Jordi Amat move the other way on loan. Long joined the club a few years ago, and immediately slotted into their first team, scoring 8 goals last season, and also the year before. However, with the arrival of Demba Ba, Dimitar Berbatov and Nicolas Anelka, he would have been a peripheral figure, and therefore, was shipped off.


Five players who left the club all moved to West Ham United, another club which has a new chairman, who reportedly is a massive WBA fan himself, prompting his move for 5 of their players. Firstly, there is Zoltan Gera, a 34 year old wide midfielder who has been on the fringe of the side for the past couple of seasons. Secondly, there is Steven Reid, a right back, who is no longer needed at the Hawthorns after the arrival of Wallace and Martin Kelly. Both of them went for a total fee of 2.3M. The 3rd player to leave to West Ham was striker Victor Anichebe, who moved for 7.5M, but the fee could rise to 9.5M due to add ons. Anichebe never really settled at West Brom, and the deal could help his career massively. The 4th player to join the Hammers is Gareth McAuley, a 33 year old centre back, for a fee of £1M. The 5th and final player who moved as part of this big deal was Boaz Myhill, who left for a fee of £1.4M. Myhill always was 2nd choice to Ben Foster, and the new chairman will be happy he shipped him out for a decent fee.


The final two deals that were conducted involving West Brom were both involving loans, as Saido Berahino went on loan to Crystal Palace, who will be paying all of his wages and an undisclosed monthly fee to take the promising midfielder out for the season. The last deal to be made, was in fact, an undoing of a deal, with Scott Sinclair’s loan deal to West Brom being mutually terminated, after WBA found his astronomus 55k wages were not equivalent to what he was offering to the club.

So, a lot of deals at the Hawthorns, so it will be interesting to see how their season pans out after this massive overhaul, stay tuned to find out.

Liverpool FC are about to undergo a huge change - and the news coming out of Anfield will be shocking to all Reds supporters. The popular chairman John Fenway, who rescued the club from the horrendous Gillett and Hicks reign, has resigned following a potentially life threatening injury caused reportedly by a monkey. The new chairman will be robot XJ-0461 from Planet Quartu, otherwise known as Clank.



The monkey was reportedly chasing a banana thrown out by a Banana Guided Autonomous Monkey Device. Apparently by the name of Skrunch, the monkey, who happens to be Vice Galactic President, belongs to the Q-Force and is the Galactic President Copernicus Leslie Qwark's sidekick. 'Skrunch' allegedly scratched Fenway's face out and whilst Fenway called for security, the monkey was for some reason invincible and Clank decided to sneak past the guards and edit the legal documents to ensure that he became the new chairman.4



The fans are shocked by this sudden development. However many of the Liverpool fan groups are generally pleased with the appointment. One man who isn't, however, is manager Brendan Rodgers, who is threatening to resign after he will now be unable to take the club in his preferred direction. Clank is allegedly looking to bring in a new manager.



Clank is looking to do business with many other Premier League clubs.

In a rather surprising turn of events, 71 year old American billionaire Neal Hasan has taken over Manchester United. The club had been reeling after the loss of Sir Alex Ferguson to retirement and a very difficult transition to a new owner, and now that 'new' owner has been replaced after only a month in the job to make way for Hasan.

The best part is, he doesn't seem to even follow football.

"Yeah, my son's nephew is into this soccer stuff, and I think I heard of Wayne Rooney on TV once, so I came and took over Manchester United," he was quoted as saying, and upon finding out that Rooney had already been sold, he replied, "Well f*ck him, anyway."

In his first press conference in the job, Hasan continued to show a startling sense of ignorance about the club he'd paid millions for and the sport he claims to love. He asked, "Is that one old knight lad still the head coach around here?" Antonio Conte, sitting beside him, told him that he was in charge now, and Hasan, on the spot, laughed. "We've got a godd*mn Italian! Excellent."

His plans for the club are just as...interesting. Between gulps of Russian vodka, Hasan was quoted as saying, "Well, I don't know about this Anthony County guy, but we might bring in an English manager soon. This is an English club, I think, so let's get more of those. I want guys with f*cking cool accents kicking that ball around!"

He ended the conference with, "I spent a lot of money on this bloody club, if my grandnephew isn't appreciative I'll f*cking kill him. My work starts in earnest today, let's get cracking on getting that ball into the goal!"

Callum Reilly costing £1.875M and Koby costing 300K
Their wages costing me 22.5K between them.
Both of these players left Birmingham city after being given offers they couldn't refuse, both players are delighted to be playing in the Premier league. Callum is looking to instantly put himself into the first team, after last season's performances for Birmingham had impressed Manager Nigel Adkins.

Maxi Moralez joins Crystal Palace after a club's record transfer of 8.5M, these are exciting times for Crystal Palace and now have a bit of creativity in their midfield, which is what Speroni himself stated they were missing.
Neal Maupay has left Nice, which is a bit of a shock to Nice fans only being 17 and all. He cost Crystal Palace just short of 2M, this again is a brilliant signing as Maupay is highly regarded by Ligue one managers.

Both of this players are loan players, I believe they are both very capable players, even though they might be seen otherwise. Saido Berahino is one of the most exciting prospects for the future English national team, the same can be said for Nathan Ake and the Dutch National team. Palace are paying both players wages in full, and for Saido they are paying a undisclosed monthly fee.

Again both of these players are at Selhurst park on loan, Hazard being the younger brother of Eden Hazard does look to have a very bright future ahead of him, but it's likely he won't become as good as his brother, but with the right 1st team experience could become a world class player. Last season Palace had to play against Nathanial while he was at Watford and both games he played very well this is a major factor in their decision to loan him. Both players wages will be paid in full by Palace.

Note: This is Cameronox's update and Cameronox's writing, not mine.

In a shocking and unexpected turn of events FIFA President Sepp Blatter has agreed to place a world transfer embargo upon the entire world. It isn't known why this decision has been made and it has left many people baffled. This is just one more crazy antic added to the list and no one knows what to expect next from the Italian!

The new transfer embargo will stand for each and every club in the world, it means that no team will be allowed to purchase any players of any age, nation, quality, height, weight, or name. Unless of course you do what the English Football Association have done, and split away from FIFA, creating their own footballing community so that English clubs may continue signing and selling players as normal.

The EFA's deal with FIFA, means that they will be able to carry on signing and selling players as normal from within England, and if foreign clubs agree, they may sign players from those foreign clubs. English teams will still be allowed to participate in European competitions as normal, and the England team may take part in intercontinental and continental tournaments also.

It is a wonder why Blatter decided to implement this embargo in the first place, as the only party that actually benefits from this 'deal' is the English Football association. FIFA get nothing out of this whatsoever.

The embargo will continue for all other nations as of today, so long as they don't split from FIFA.

Newcastle United co-chairman Alan Shearer and Les Ferdinand have been busy in the transfer market, despite The Magpies currently being without a manager, making no less than 17 transfer deals.


The first transfer of the window made by Newcastle was the signing of 23 year old English central defender from Manchester United for a fee of £12.5 million. Smalling will add quality to the defence and is an established Premier League defender. Smalling also has good potential and can become a key defender for the England national team and Newcastle.


The next transfer completed was the signing of 24 year old Austrian right attacking midfielder Marko Arnautovic for a fee of £13 million from Stoke City. Although slightly over priced, Arnautovic will add presence, power and pace to the wing and being a versatile player can also operate as a central attacking midfielder and a striker.


After the arrival of wideman Marko Arnautovic it was imminent that a player would be making a quick departure from Newcastle and that player came in the form of Sylvain Marveux who joined Stoke City for a fee of £4.2 million.


Another man heading through the Newcastle exit door was Jonas Gutierrez who left for Aston Villa in a deal which saw The Magpies receive £1 million and Andreas Weimann. Weimann, the second Austrian to sign in this window for Newcastle, bulks up the front line and is only 21 years old meaning he has plenty of room to grow and become an even better player.


The next deal completed by NUFC was the season long loan signing of youngster Nathan Redmond from Norwich, a deal which will see his wages paid in full by Newcastle. Redmond is a bright talent but is unlikely to get many games and will have been signed purely to add depth to the squad.


The next trio of deals made by Newcastle all involved West Ham with the first being the season long loan departure of Gabriel Obertan with his wages being paid in full by the London club with the deal also including the future fee option of £2.4 million. The second deal was the departure of Dan Gosling for a fee of £1.4 million and the final deal was the exchange of NUFC players Gael Bigrimana and Haris Vuckic for West Ham powerhouse central defensive midfielder Mohamed Diame.


The next transfer was a big money departure as Mapou Yanga-M’Biwa made a £19 million move to Fulham. Although, Yanga-M’Biwa would have been a starting player for Newcastle and a good player the £19 million offered was obviously too much money to reject with The Magpies themselves only paying £6.75 million for him in January 2013 meaning they make a very good profit of £12.25 million.


Another central defender to leave the club was Steven Taylor who joined Everton for a fee of £6 million. Also making the move to Everton was Senegalese striker Papiss Cisse for a fee of £14 million.


After the departure of Mapou Yanga-M’Biwa to Fulham it was clear that The Magpies were in need of another central defender and the replacement bought came in the form of Liverpool central defender Mamadou Sakho who joined for a fee of £12 million. Liverpool themselves purchased Sakho for £16 million meaning that Newcastle have managed to get a pretty good deal here and they will be hoping that Sakho will be a successful signing.


Another central defender who has signed for Newcastle is highly rated Brazilian youngster Doria who signs from Botafogo for £8 million. Doria, 18, has fantastic potential and could go on to become one of the best defenders in the world so this is a fantastic signing for Newcastle. He joins a wealth of good defenders in The Magpies’ squad.


The next deal completed was the free transfer signing of 28 year old defensive midfielder Mohamed Sissoko. He is the second Sissoko in the Newcastle squad now, along with Moussa (no relation), and brings with him a host of experience at the likes of PSG, Juventus, Liverpool and Valencia.


The biggest transfer made by Newcastle in the window was the departure of Hatem Ben Arfa who left for Manchester United in a £37.5 million deal which also included Wilfried Zaha joining The Magpies on a season long loan with the Manchester club paying all of his wages.


A replacement for a key player such as Ben Arfa was badly needed and the player Newcastle managed to bring in to replace the Frenchman was German wonderkid Julian Draxler who joins from Schalke 04 for a fee of £23.125 million. Draxler is one of the brightest young talents in the world and despite paying a club record transfer fee this signing is seen as a real coup due to the calibre of the player.


The final transfer made by Newcastle was the signing of Italian striker Lorenzo Insigne from Napoli for a fee of £15.625 million. Insigne is only 22 and has good potential plus his pace, agility and dribbling should make him a huge threat in the Premier League this season.

Newcastle are still looking for a new manager but after these signings made by co-chairman Alan Shearer and Les Ferdinand whoever does take over as manager will have a very good squad to work with.

Tough times lie ahead for Manchester United fans; new billionaire chairman Neal Hasan has already begun his regime by taking all transfer powers from Antonio Conte and making himself the negotiator for any and all transfers.

The 'soccer'-fan from America has finally (somewhat) come to grips with his squad and has stuck with his initial promise of bringing in more English talent. What nobody expected, however, was that Hasan would sign three players that Kenny Dalglish signed during his second reign at Liverpool; Jordan Henderson, Andy Carroll, and Stewart Downing.

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Jordan Henderson is the first player to join Manchester United, making an £18M move from archrivals Liverpool. The box-to-box Englishman has been a regular with the Reds since making a move from Sunderland a few years ago but was more than happy to make a high profile move to the Red Devils. The fee is greatly inflated and many fans are upset that he is an ex-Liverpool player, but they are hoping 'Hendo' can provide much-needed depth in the center of the park where currently only the likes of Michael Carrick, Darren Fletcher, and Marouane Fellaini play.


Perhaps the biggest English flop in history, not to mention a Liverpool flop, has signed for Manchester United for 'no fee', though technically he is part of a £30M deal that involved Stewart Downing also coming to Liverpool (see below). The towering striker has failed to live up to any expectations after his massive move to the Reds a few years ago but will hope to revive his career with the Red Devils and provide backup to Chicharito, Danny Welbeck, Edin Dzeko, and Robin van Persie, giving United a massively impressive strike force.


Another Liverpool flop comes to Old Trafford, though technically not for £30M, as Carroll has also joined the club in this deal (see above). The fans are decidedly unhappy with seeing two West Ham players that failed at Liverpool join the club, especially with Downing as he is arguably too old to grow and recover his old form. Yes, this is the same Downing that went an entire BPL season without a single goal or assist, and yes, this is Manchester United we are talking about. To be fair, United have a disconcerting lack of wingers, which this should help remedy.

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As you can see, these signings are anything but prudent. Three of archrival Liverpool's castaways have signed for a total of £48 million, sure to not please the fans with their history nor Antonio Conte with their ability as footballers. The talented Italian boss has kept his job (for now) and will look to lead his ragtag group of Englishmen to the title.

Hasan himself had a few choice quotes from the unveiling of these three players. He said, "I said Englishmen, and I've got me some Englishmen! Now I've heard they're sh*t and they might well be but they're going to be wearing Manchester United colors now. This Andy fellow scares me, personally, what with the ponytail, but he's gonna score us some f*cking goals, so get ready. If he ever plays, that is, I hear we have some striker that Robs Purses from ladies and he better score, too."

Good luck, Red Devils fans. You'll need it.

Reporter: "So Isaac, can you describe your club's dealings in this season's transfer window?"

Isaac Putin: "As promised I bring in lots of vodka and Russian women. They are very sexy ladies! I also brought in Peppa Pig from Munich to come manage my team, he said he would do all the boring stuff like manage a team and win trophies. Who would want to be in charge of doing that?"

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