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England Aren't Good

Started on 2 November 2014 by qwertyman
Latest Reply on 15 November 2014 by MichaelBBack
  • POSTS31
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It's such a bold statement, I know, but listen to me. It's what I believe, and it's what you all probably believe as well.

England's exit out of the 2014 World Cup saw them crash out with losses to Uruguay and Italy and a draw to Costa Rica.

One point is all that they could manage. It came against a Costa Rica side that were already through. Costa Rica could afford to be complacent against a side that were 17 places above them in the world rankings.

Normally, the British press would call the exit a catastrophe, and a humiliation to English football. This happened in 2006 and 2010, where England were poor, but they still advanced from the group stages. This time, however, there was no anger towards the English players. They were applauded off the pitch after their 0-0 draw. It seems that the English people have finally realised that England aren't good anymore.

Roy Hodgson resigned, and I was appointed manager. I have already been the manager of a country before, but I was young and inexperienced and that country wasn't any good at all. I mean, worse than England are right now.

I will sort out this mess, and once I have done so, I will bring football back to England.

That was the statement of the new England manager following the resignation of Roy Hodgson.

I'm back! And I'm ready for FM15! In FM14, I had no real success until I did two weird stories. The first was James Brown being resurrected into a football manager who took on Dagenham and Redbridge, and then Kazakhstan got a new manager in the form of Borat Sagdiyev. The latter story was more successful, although I probably discriminated against half of the users of this website.

This story wont be a weird one, but I have many ideas and I hope that this story will be more successful than any of the other ones I have made.
At the moment, the identity of the new England manager is unknown. However, we do have some information on the new coaching staff that he has appointed for the senior team.

Steve Holland - Assistant Manager

Steve Holland, currently assistant to Jose Mourinho at Chelsea, had also been assistant manager at England Under 21s, but as the new manager saw Ray Lewington as surplus to requirements, Holland was appointed instead.

His only international experience was at England Under 21s, having been there as an assistant since 2011. He didn't have much playing experience either, having been at youth clubs at Derby County and Crewe Alexandria before picking up an injury without playing for either club. After a season at non-league Northwich Victoria (playing 18 games and scoring 3 goals), he went into an early retirement at the age of 21. Since then, he has had many coaching roles, and he has managed Chelsea Reserves and Crewe Alexandria.

René Meulensteen - Technical Coach

René Meulensteen is often credited for having made Cristiano Ronaldo the player he is today, his one on one coaching at Manchester United changed the way he played for the better.

He, like Steve Holland, has been appointed with little professional or international experience. He had no playing career, and his only international job came as manager of Qatar Under 18's. He has had management jobs at clubs ranging from the Qatari Al-Gharafa to Fulham.

After Gary Neville left the coaching team, the new England manager is looking to make a fresh new team. Although Meulensteen would happily become an attacking coach, the new manager feels that he is strongest when passing on his technical knowledge on the game to the England players.

Martin Hunter - Tactical Coach

The new England manager apparently feels that Hunter can be an all-round coach, but on the England staff list he is listed as a tactical coach.

Having started his football career as a PE teacher, he has had jobs at Norwich, Watford and England U19s. He is now the manager of Southampton Under 21s.

Gerd Müller - Attacking Coach

It goes without saying that the current Bayern II coach had a brilliant playing career, having won 14 trophies with Bayern Munich during his career, as well as being the top scorer in the 1970 World Cup, winning Euro 72 and the 1974 World Cup.

His playing career was spent mainly with Bayern, but he started it at 1861 Nördlingen and ended it at the Fort Lauderdale Strikers (in the United States). His only coaching role, however, was with the Bayern Munich reserve team, a post which he has held for 22 years.

Ivan Carminati - Defending Coach

Ivan Carminati was a fitness coach under Roberto Mancini at Manchester City and Galatasaray, but he will work on defensive coaching while at England.

England, Man City and Galatasaray are the only jobs that he has had so far in his career, with no known playing experience. However, the new England manager clearly feels that he is the right man for the job.

At the moment, we still don't know the identity of the new England manager, but once we find out, we will let you know.

You will find out the identity of the new England manager on the next post.
Good luck - this looks like it will be a great story.
Quite a brutal title for the story! Haha a good interesting start. Good luck
His identity is now going to be revealed, as he has now announced his squad for matches against Uruguay and Switzerland. This story will now be written in the view of...

André Villas-Boas

Tonka - I can assure you that this story is going to be great. Thanks for the comment!

James - I recently moved to England from Northern Ireland. It's what we think over there. Thanks!
Is it something with the English league that half of all the normal players are injured? I'm having to give caps to teenagers!


Joe Hart - Manchester City - Age: 27 - 43 caps

Fraser Forster - Southampton - Age: 26 - 2 caps

Alex McCarthy - QPR - Age: 24 - 0 caps


John Stones - Centre Back - Everton - Age: 20 - 2 caps

Calum Chambers - Right Back - Arsenal - Age: 19 - 0 caps

Phil "Phace" Jones - Centre Back - Manchester United - Age: 22 - 11 caps

Phil Jagielka - Centre Back - Everton - Age: 32 - 28 caps

Gary Cahill - Centre Back - Chelsea - Age: 28 - 26 caps

Leighton Baines - Left Back - Everton - Age: 29 - 26 caps

Kieran Trippier - Right Back - Burnley - Age: 23 - 0 caps

Kieran Gibbs - Left Back - Arsenal - Age: 24 - 3 caps


Raheem Sterling - Left Wing - Liverpool - Age: 19 - 7 caps

Patrick Roberts - Attacking Midfielder - Fulham - Age: 17 - 0 caps

James Milner - Centre Mid - Manchester City - Age: 28 - 46 caps

Jordan Henderson - Centre Mid - Liverpool - Age: 24 - 13 caps

Aaron Lennon - Right Wing - Tottenham Hotspur - Age: 27 - 21 caps

Adam Johnson - Left Wing - Sunderland - Age: 27 - 12 caps

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain - Right Wing - Arsenal - Age: 21 - 15 caps

Jack Wilshere - Centre Mid - Arsenal - Age: 22 - 20 caps


Britt Assombalonga (eligible for DR Congo) - Nottingham Forest - Age: 21 - 0 caps

Danny Welbeck - Arsenal - Age: 23 - 26 caps

Rickie Lambert - Liverpool - Age: 32 - 7 caps

Wayne "Shrek" Rooney - Manchester United - Age: 28 - 95 caps

If anyone has any nicknames for the players, please let me know.

Let me see, I've got one, two, three... five players who haven't played for England before. "The pace of English football" I hear all the time. It seems that there is also a touch of carelessness in the Premier League as well. Ideally, I wont play players from the Championship, but I have no choice this time.

I have already said that England aren't good, and this is why. I know two good players from this country who play abroad. One's Welsh and the other is called Emile. Most countries have good players playing abroad. That is what I'm going to try to force during my time as England manager.

My first match is against Uruguay, then we will go to Berne, Switzerland.
That Emile Kid, apparently he is quality

England 1-0 Uruguay
Wayne Rooney's first game with the England captaincy saw his team take revenge on the Uruguay squad who contributed to England's embarrassment in the 2014 World Cup.

Six players made their international debuts today, four from Uruguay and two from England. The two English debutants, Britt Assombalonga and Calum Chambers both had major contributions to England triumph, but it was the solid defensive work at the back from John Stones that sealed England's 1-0 win over Uruguay at Wembley.

The first half came and went with no sides really threatening the goal. Leighton Baines had a free kick at 31 minutes that hit the bar, and the resulting counter attack from Uruguay must have unsettled the English support, but apart from that the first half was a boring one to all those who were watching.

Then, in the 61st minute, Raheem Sterling recieved the ball on the corner of the box and cut inside, his shot well saved by Sosa. However, debutant Britt Assombalonga seized on the rebound and slotted away a dream debut goal from a tight angle to give England the lead.

Uruguay threw everything at the England goal, but excellent defensive displays from John Stones and Phil Jagielka kept Uruguay from scoring. John Stones had the chance to wrap up his brilliant display with from a corner in the last minute, his header hitting the post.

Andre Villas-Boas was delighted after the match. He said:
You can expect to see John in the line-up going forward. He was faultless today. I hope that this is the start of a good run of form that we can take into Switzerland on Tuesday.

Man of the Match - JOHN STONES - Everton

Captainbrickarms - Wait, Emile is... real? I though he was just legend?!

Switzerland 3-4 England
Britt Assombalonga may have confirmed his place in the England side after his two goals gave England a frustrating win after throwing away a 3-1 lead.

Group rivals Slovenia achieved their biggest ever win, 13-0 against San Marino. However, a brace from Britt Assombalonga and a great display of pace and crossing on the wing from Aaron Lennon led England to a frustrating win over a strong attacking force that is Switzerland.

Britt Assombalonga opened the scoring on 30 minutes after he received a Joe Hart free kick to run through and place home the first goal of the match.

On 41 minutes, Aaron Lennon showed excellent pace to send a cross in to Raheem Sterling at the back post, leaving him with one of the easiest goals of his career.

Two minutes later, a great through ball from Fabien Frei allowed Valentin Stocker to hit a powerful shot to Joe Hart's left who had nothing he could do. The teams went in at half time with England up 2-1.

Immediately after the kick off, after one of the worst shots in football history, Joe Hart sent in a quick goal kick to Aaron Lennon, who only took two touches before slotting home a sweet shot to make it 3-1.

After good combination play by Switzerland on 58 minutes, Fabien Frei played the ball into Gokhan Inler who scored one of the best goals of his career, a long shot into the top corner of Joe Hart's goal.

Switzerland's equaliser came through a Shaqiri corner on the 79 minute mark, which sailed towards the front post where Fabien Frei was waiting.

England then through everything forward from the kick off, with Britt Assombalonga going on a Maradona style run through the Swiss defence and a tap in rounded off what is surely one of the best goals in his career. This was the last goal of the game (with neither side threatening the goal from this point) and Assombalonga's third for England in two games.

Kieran Trippier of Burnley and Patrick Roberts of Fulham made their England debuts today, both not having a really special game. Andre Villas-Boas had this to say after the game:

"This was definitely a great game for the neutrals, however I believe that my England side could have performed much better today.

I am happy for the debutants, but neither had an outstanding game. There will need to be improvements for more bigger fixtures, but a win's a win and these three points could be good for us come the end of the qualifying stage.

I would also like to congratulate James Milner on his 50th England cap."


San Marino 0-8 England
Joe Hart scored for England. Enough said.

In the battle of defence vs. attack, attack turned out triumphant in an 8-0 thumping. Britt Assombalonga continued his impressive form for England with another brace, meaning he holds the best goals scored per game average, 1.6. The other scorers for England were Raheem Sterling, Wayne Rooney, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and, as you have already gathered, Joe Hart, the goalkeeper.

The game started unluckily for England, as they had two goals in the first minute of the game by Assombalonga and Oxlade-Chamberlain, both given as offside. Assombalonga opened the scoring by receiving a free kick from debutant Nathaniel Clyne, opening the scoring for the third time.

As Wayne Rooney took a shot after Raheem Sterling's brilliant through ball, the crowd collectively held their breath as the ball spilled off the post. Somehow, the ball went over the line before any other player could get there, scoring England's second.

Britt Assombalonga received a goal kick on 14 minutes, and his cross into Wayne Rooney left him with a tap in to make it 3-0.

Assombalonga then added his second on 30 minutes after pouncing on a Sammarinese defensive error from a corner.

The Sammarinese goalkeeper then seemingly gave up, allowing two easy shots past him from Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain which let England go in at 6-0. It was at this point that Andre Villas-Boas decided to make changes to his side and try a new tactic.

It didn't really work. It took until the 79th minute for the seventh to arrive, after Raheem Sterling got on the end of another long ball by Nathaniel Clyne.

Then the impossible happened. John Stones, under pressure by two Sammarinese attackers, played the ball back to Joe Hart who did a long kick in the hope that Britt Assombalonga could get on it. The kick was too long for Assombalonga, but it did catch the Sammarinese keeper in no mans land. It bounced over his head and into the net off the crossbar. Joe Hart's first England goal and the first of his senior career. A once in a lifetime moment for him made it 8-0 for England.

Man of the Match - BRITT ASSOMBALONGA - Nottingham Forest
Awesome result, not the score itself, what less could you expect against San Marino but a goal for Hart, beautiful. I just hope you saved it, you need to upload that mother flipper :)
Great stuff there for Hart! You're right, get rid of the deadwood. I've been watching England fail miserably at World Cups and the latest display in Brazil was completely predictable. Good luck!
This headline is just.... GODLY!!!!

Assombalonga has been incredible so far, and Hart's goal must have been amazing to watch.

England 2-0 Lithuania

The second excellent goalkeeping performance happened England's two matches in this international break. But this time, Lithuania goalkeeper Zydrunas Karcemarskas kept the score 2-0.

Despite this, Daniel Sturridge managed to give Andre Villas-Boas some major selection headaches with two unstoppable finishes in the second half.

In a overly physical training session from a sport scientist before the game, Assombalonga and Oxlade-Chamberlain got tired after doing sprints up until from 10AM to 10PM, and Phil "Phace" Jones and Leighton Baines also suffered knee injuries during training drills.

The first of these goals came in the 61st minute, with a good play starting from debutant Danny Drinkwater allowing Raheem Sterling to cross it in to Daniel Sturridge from inside the six yard box. Despite Karcemarskas getting a hand to it, the power of the strike took the ball into the net.

5 minutes later, a similar move was started by another debutant, James Ward-Prowse who was replacing Jack Wilshere, injured during the San Marino match. After passing the ball around the box, Daniel Sturridge broke free and scored his second, and the last goal of the match.

Andre Villas-Boas said after the game:

"Of course I would have liked to see more goals scored, especially against Lithuania, but we were creating more chances than we did against San Marino. That goalkeeper, Karcemark... marsku... the Lithuanian goalkeeper had one of the best games imaginable. I wouldn't be surprised to see him in the Premier League if he performs like that normally."

Zichael - I probably would have put this on YouTube, but my school doesn't allow it. Sorry!

Tom - Yeah, the World Cup was awful. I don't know how we qualified for it. But still, it wont happen again in this story. ;).

Feliks - Assombalonga isn't bad considering he wasn't English a couple of weeks ago. I wish I was recording my reaction to Joe Hart's goal. I would have broken the school rules and made sure it went viral. It went something like the end of this.
qwertyman's avatar Group qwertyman
8 yearsEdited


Following a collision with Everton right back Seamus Coleman on Saturday, Liverpool and England striker Daniel Sturridge was knocked out and, with the injury seeming to be incredibly serious, both sides refused to play on and the match was abandoned. In the replay, Everton won 2-1.

Sturridge was taken in an ambulance directly to the Royal Liverpool University Hospital, and he was found to have suffered several head injuries. Although unconscious for the rest of the day, he was given an MRI scan and X-Ray, the results of which are pending. He is currently in a coma, where he is being monitored daily.

The results will be out soon. The best thing that we can currently hope for is for him to wake up as soon as possible and he leaves hospital with minor concussion. Although the worst case scenario is unlikely, Daniel Sturridge may well have suffered permanent brain damage or even death.

Seamus Coleman tweeted this after the first game:

You are reading "England Aren't Good".

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