Someone still loves you Sam Allardyce

Scene St James Villa Moraira


[sams villa]

It’s a story as old as 2007, you're in trouble, the gravity of the premier league is dragging you down. The leaves have turned brown and are clogging up the drains. The Coca Cola Christmas Truck tour is coming to a parking lot near you. It’s time you think to change things up. Out with old and in with the new. Plenty of games left to turn it round, just needs the right man after all and maybe a signing or two…..

On the coast of the Costa Blanca Big Sam looms on his balcony in the mid autumn sun like the ghost of sackings future, scenting managerial changes like a bloodhound and bundles of cash.. Like well sam allardyce. He shouts to Lynne in the kitchen ‘un pinta de vino por favor’ and laughs maniacally.


[pinta de vino]

A chill runs down the backs of the managers all around world (realistically bottom half prem and maybe a couple of big teams in the championship) and for a moment they think they hear a whisper of “you’re next”


Coming to a club near you

oh honey. No, oh honey.

they obviously are not au fait with the Big Sam Brand

The Job Hunt Continues

The months come and go and still no managers sacked. The premier league chairman are saying the word loyal more times than georgia from that love island program and big sam is angry…. And you wont like him when he’s angry.

November flew by and panic set in. It seemed like the premier league had forgotten how to sack. Oldham tried their luck but where given short shift and it looked like december would go the same way then in mid december it happened. Sackings to the left and right with Big sam waiting to lap them up like big sam with a jeroboam of wine. In went the applications and a long pause until...


Twas the night before Christmas, when all under the roof
Not a person was stirring, not even El Hadji Diouf.
The fax machine was plugged into the wall care,
In hopes that chairman and job offers would soon be there..

Big sam was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of pay checks and staying up bonuses danced in his head.
With sam in his interview suit and Phil brown in fake tan,
They were dreaming of a job without a transfer ban.

When from his phone there came such a noise,
He sprang from the bed to see if it was moyes.
And on his phone he received many alerts
Not just one interview but two and this time not from Hertz.

"Now Nolan! now, Brown! now, diouf and okocha!
On, holdsworth! On, anelka!, on djorkaeff and Campo!
To the top of the league! Or at least to the middle!
Now on to southampton and leicester and no time for a piddle!"

As one would expect it was in a private jet they wished to fly,
When needing speed and luxury up in the sky.
So off to the board rooms they flew,
With the learjet full of powerpoints, and Big Sam too.

And then, in a twinkling, It was heard in the bar
“A pint of wine and some caviar”
As heads were turning around,
It seems sam allardyce a new job had he found.

He was dressed all in free merch from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all provided by the Kitshops output.
A bundle of scarves where hung across his back,
And maybe this time he wouldent get the sack.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And told his new players they better not shirk.
turning to the chairman he did ask
For Substantial financially backing to complete the task

He sprang to his seat, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like he might throw a missile.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove them all night
A pint of wine would go down all right


Long story short …





What we can all agree is a very big sam destination

Update 3

“What a shambles, the spine of this team is in worse shape than Richard III’s and he had scoliosis and was buried under a car park for over 500 years!”

The Current Position


we occupy a lofty position by big sams standards but recent form is not great, dropping important points home and away against the teams around us and looking back through the fixtures thus far it has really been a case of not doing well enough against the teams around us



The matches before i took control were largely winnable and the failure to do so cost Puel his job, looking forward at the fixtures in the next month i am on to a hiding and i am starting to wish i had delayed accepting the job for a few weeks



I hear “you’re getting sacked in the morning” somewhere in the distance and probably sometime mid february

At times like these you need some key performers, someone who will score a key goal or put in a big performance to turn things around, looking at the key performers so far this season i think we have an issue



our key assist maker, goalscorer and best player is at rightback and the only bloke who can pass is at CB.

“We’re doomed”


[img]https://imgur.com/tCiaHdJ[/img]


The Squad



Much like Allardycio himself the squad is a little on the large side and its starting to cause unrest, in addition to this many of the influential and formerly key players are at the end of their contracts so morale is comparable to that of the bounty.

We do however have some exceptional players.

Big Harry “old Slabhead” maguire. he’s got a good touch for a cliff face, Comparable pace to go with it

He’s also a wanted man. Arsenal and Manchester united all think they would like to recreate the look of the Estádio Municipal de Braga and stick part of a quarry in the vacinity of the goal. Keeping the mountain that strides…. Out of midfield with the ball at feet will be key.

Ricardo Pereira

He is the very model of a modern football fullback
He gets forward quickly but doesnt always track back
He knows when to cross the ball and when to go for goal
But all that running back can certainly take its toll
He’s very well aquainted with the triggering of the offside trap
But sometimes his performances are pretty crap
I’ve got caught up in this piece by gilbert and sullivan
To solve this squads issues i’ll need the wisdom of solomon

He’s also wanted by bayern and Barca and is unhappy so brilliant


Wilfred Ndidi

Just great, big fan. You guessed it wanted by arsenal chelsea and united. Bollocks


More generally i need to trim the squad down a little bit from 26 to around 22 to keep people happy. There is a decent balance to the squad but i feel we could do with someone a bit more creative in midfield to create some goals as we have a lot of the, big can tackle and make a simple pass lot. We have two good strikers but both are playing poorly and aren’t earning their corn. Depending on in’s and outs the key thing this year is going to be getting more out of the people already here rather than massively changing personal ( i tried no bugger would buy the players or pay their wages)



The good thing about premier league clubs is that they are all awash with cash…. I am going to sack my agent

With the quality at your disposal, Big Sam can certainly avoid the drop and challenge for top half!

Good luck with the Foxes!