When Saturday comes

We have to go back 5 years to reach the start of this story. Leicester had just won the English Premier League. Portugal, minus Ronaldo who went off injured in the first half have just won the Euro's. The Green and White wearing dog nonces had just won their 1 millionth SPL title and the sister shagging webbed toed reprobates from the blue side of Glasgow had finally dragged themselves back to relevance and to the SPL. Oh and the vermin from Hibs had just won the bloody cup.

If you haven’t guessed, our story begins in Scotland, specifically Edinburgh. In a small part of the city called Wester Hailes, a block of flats nestled neatly toward the far end of Hailes Quarry park, two unassuming men are making their way toward the aforementioned flats.

They reached room 7 on the second floor and as the door flew open and banged into the wall, it caused a doorknob shaped hole where it hit. The noise didn’t wake him.

As the 2 men entered the room it was dark, no lights were on apart from the feint light of a phone charging on the cupboard in the corner. The men heard snoring coming from a room down the hallway.

He was laying on the bed, drool coming out of his mouth and 1 hand down his pants.

‘Wake up you twat, it’s time’ the younger man shouted whilst shaking him. He didn’t stir.

The older man turned on the lights, opened the curtains to let some more light in, but still he wouldn’t move

‘Fill that cup with water’ the older man asked

‘I’m not thirsty’

‘I’m not giving it to you, you dumb shit’

The younger man did as asked and brought the cup back over, filled with warm water. The older man poured it over the prone body on the bed who immediately jumped up screaming

‘Kin’ hell man what you do that for?!’

‘James, how many fucking times do you need telling to set an alarm?

James sat up, shook his head and looked down to the bulge in his pants, looked nervously at the 2 men in his room and said ‘I was having a belter dream, I was off me tits on pills and I was balls deep in Natalie Sawyer on the Sky Sports set whilst Georgie Thompson….’

The older cut him off ‘Shut up will ya’ and go get dressed’

The younger man, intrigued asked ‘What was Georgie Thompson doing?’

‘I dunno do I! You bastards woke me up!’

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A short time later they were at Edinburgh airport checking in when security asked ‘Anything to declare?’

‘Not to you I don’t’ the man replied

‘Any narcotics, weapons or aerosols on your person?’

‘Nope, sniffed all me gear before coming here didn’t I’

‘Sir, I will take a swab and detain you if you’re found to carrying narcotics, consumed or otherwise’

‘Piss off you jumped rent-a-cop I’m joking’

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The security guard eventually let them pass through after being satisfied there was no threat to human life from the men. Eventually the plane took off, and they were on the way

James Stanley Vincent Muir, also known as Jimmy, has a name familiar with people who like football, and I assume you do seeing as how you’re reading this. Jimmy Muir was the title character in the film When Saturday Comes, sh*t film by the way, if you want a good football related film, go and watch the Goal! series. Anyway Jimmy Muir from Edinburgh Scotland isn’t being scouted by Sheffield United, or any other English team for that matter.

Jimmy wasn’t a bad footballer as a child, but he wasn’t what you’d call good. 100% effort with roughly 40% talent, and that’s being kind. All he ever did was run run run. Couldn’t tackle, couldn’t pass, couldn’t dribble but by God he could run and never got tired. His mother was an addict and the story goes she was under the influence of ecstasy when she conceived Jimmy. The family generally accepted this as the reason why Jimmy as a child had 2 settings, asleep and causing fucking havoc!
Nowadays he’d be given a label such as ADHD or bi-polar, but back then when we were kids he was just labelled as being a little shit. Not much has changed since he hit adulthood.

Never getting further than semi pro level as a player, he slowly transitioned into management, also known as shouting obscenities on the sideline whilst the other actual coaches did their job.

But one autumn morning in 2016 Jimmy’s life changed forever. After confiding in his two friends, or at least the only two people in Edinburgh that don’t dislike him enough to ignore him completely, the one of them he confided in being another down and outer from Wester Hailes, apparently had contacts in football and knew a guy that knew a guy, who happened to be having an affair with a club chairman’s wife

‘I can sense the hunger within you James’ the man who’s eyes were as wide as saucers and jaw was swinging from post code to post code said ‘You’re also full of conflict and I can help you achieve your dreams’

Putting the rolled up twenty-pound note and mirror on the table, Jimmy looked up and said ‘Aye, can ya really?’

‘Yes my son’

‘I aren’t your son you daft twat’

‘Share your desires with me, I can make them happen’

Picking up the mirror and note and hoovering up the powder on top he replied ‘How exactly?’

‘Put your trust in me, meet me tomorrow morning at 9 o clock, and your life will change forever’

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Which brings us back nicely to the airplane they’d just boarded. Jimmy had just put on the headphones provided and the film that was playing was The Hangover 2.

‘Where is we’re going to exactly old timer? Jimmy asked ‘I’ll give you a clue. That film you’re watching is quite relevant’

‘Hmm, Hangover eh. Must be going to a boozer!

‘Not quite, well not right away’

‘Okay, Vegas?’

‘No’

His hangover mixed with a come down was making him irritable. ‘Just tell me where we’re going’

‘A little place called Thailand’

Shit

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Cross posted with images at On The Break

As the third plane of their journey touched down in Bangkok the first thing Jimmy noticed was the smell ‘Fuck me it’s pengs like come down sweat and helicopter fumes here man!’ the younger man also commented on the local smells ‘Reminds of Glasgow, the stench of teenage pregnancy, foreigners and leftover Chinese takeaways’ The older man just continued walking without comment

As they made their way from the plane they noticed a man holding a sign that said, in black writing that looked like a drunk octopus had written it ‘Jeemee Murr’ ‘Ah, assume that cabbie is for us’ the old man said.

Indeed it was, and once they were greeted in broken English by the man and clambered into the car, the taxi then sped off at what could be best described as going like shit off a stick.

‘I take you Lampang now’

‘What did he say? Jimmy asked

‘No idea, hopefully there’s a boozer there’ the younger man quipped ‘Hey driver, any banging birds where we’re going to?’

‘Oh res, rots and rots of girls, all shape and size, suck your pee pee through a straw for ten dollar’

They eventually made it to a street which looked like the drinking district of whatever town they were in. The old man went away and left Jimmy and the younger man to visit the establishments, of which there were plenty.

After a period of time, hours, days Jimmy didn’t know, he was woken up by the sound of the old man and another voice he didn’t recognise

‘Him?!’ The unfamiliar voice said sounding shocked

‘Yes’

Rolling his eyes the new man said ‘He’ll do’

The new man helped Jimmy to his feet. ‘You’ve got 1 objective and that is to stay in the league’

Jimmy, banging headache and possible concussion replied ‘Okay, where do I go?’

‘To the pitch. Your first game starts in 1 hour’

The man in question was the chairman of Thailand second division football team Lampang FC, who at that time were bottom of the league, with 2 wins from 22, and 9 points from safety. Jimmy doesn’t know how this has happened, but he’s gone from being a no hoper in the arse end of Edinburgh to a no hope club in the arse end of Asia.

Cross posted with images at On The Break

This must be on quite a "retro" database, after seeing the league table! There's three clubs in there that have gone out of business and no longer are involved in league football! I think it's quite well known about myself and Thailand, and I'm just pleased you didn't elect to go for a scummy club like BG Pathum, Muangthong United, Buriram, or Chiangrai. That being said: I'm very biased.

Lampang are a bit of a weird club irl. They go from being very good, to absolutely useless, from season to season. They had cashflow issues there a few years back, but they're under new ownership now, who seems to be running the financial side of things quite well.

Best of luck mate

2022-01-06 23:22#286479 J_ames : This must be on quite a "retro" database, after seeing the league table! There's three clubs in there that have gone out of business and no longer are involved in league football! I think it's quite well known about myself and Thailand, and I'm just pleased you didn't elect to go for a scummy club like BG Pathum, Muangthong United, Buriram, or Chiangrai. That being said: I'm very biased.

Lampang are a bit of a weird club irl. They go from being very good, to absolutely useless, from season to season. They had cashflow issues there a few years back, but they're under new ownership now, who seems to be running the financial side of things quite well.

Best of luck mate

Thanks mate, appreciate it. Yeah I know about your Thailand history It's on FM17 I'm playing as I know a few of the clubs aren't around any more.

I'm Jimmy Muir, and I am invincible

As the final whistle went, Jimmy was drinking his fourth bottle of water, a banging hangover and horrible come down dehydrates a man, but his new team had won the game 4-2. As he heard the whistle he spat water out of his mouth, doing his best Triple H impression at the same time screaming ‘I AM INVINCIBLE!

With the momentum from the unlikely first win under his leadership, Jimmy thought things would be plain sailing from then on out. They did mange a win over Air Force Central FC (great team name) and Bangkok FC in their first 11 games, but that was as good as it got.

5 losses and a couple of draws between those wins meant that come the final day of the season, a must win game against PTT, or Petroleum Authority of Thailand as it’s professionally known would be all that it came down to.

The chairman of the club made an effort to speak to Jimmy prior to the final game. He asked how Jimmy would be preparing for the final game in less than 24 hours time

‘As I always do, sniffing lines and banging 9’s. There’s a decent boozer down the road from here, loads of birds willing to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING’ he emphasised the word anything

‘Yes I know it, my sister and wife work there’

‘Who’s your sister?’

‘Jenny’

Jimmy lied ‘Oh, don’t know her’

‘She knows you, apparently’ the chairman replied. He emphasized the word apparently. ‘You must win this game Jeemee (He hadn’t got the hang of saying Jimmy) otherwise you dead man’

For Lampang to have any chance of survival, they had to win their game at home to PTT, and hope that Rayong lost to Trat and Kasetart lose at home to Samut. Lampang started the day off bottom of the league

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Things got off to the worst possible start as Rayong went ahead in their game after 3 minutes

News got to the players on the pitch and bench as nerves started kicking in. Long shots were the only efforts on goal and all were high, wide and not so handsome. 29 minutes in though and the first nail in the coffin came.

PTT scored a simple goal where their forward was wide open and tapped into the net. Lampang could be forgiven thinking that was it but the players responded and actually played some good football, and had some decent efforts. They got in at half time still trailing 1-0.

Bottles were thrown, words were said and tempers risen as Jimmy tried, and failed to motivate the players. 3 minutes after the kick off in the second half and the next nail in the coffin was put down.

A long Sam Allardyce-esque ball was sent from defence over everyone into the Lampang area where one of the PTT players scored. Jimmy wasn’t sure who, he kept saying they all look the same. To make things worse Kasetart had also taken the lead in their game, whilst Rayong were drawing their game at half time. Lampang needed 3 goals and both Rayong and Kasetart to concede a couple each to have any chance of staying up.

Rayong played their part, conceding 3 in succession and Kasetart were also trying to help Jimmy and Lampang by letting a goal in, but there was no turning back for Lampang now.

That second goal knocked out whatever wind was left in them and they figuratively pulled their pants down, bent over and let PTT go all the way and climaxed with a third goal to send Lampang down quicker than a lass from Glasgow on a Saturday night that’s just been offered a line of Molly and a lift home.

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Cross posted at On The Break with images

There is always a positive to every bad situation, even if it isn't obvious yet

‘Jimmy, not being able to get it up after 5 days of taking pills, meth and whatever else we have done isn’t that big a deal’ she said to him

‘I know, I just wish it wasn’t your cock that wouldn’t get up’

‘You obviously don’t care about me being a trans woman and enjoy the rough fucking you give me and I give you, you’ve been to see me 10 times now’

’13. Not that I’m keeping count’

He gazed into her eyes as she tipped another bag of powder on to the table, racked it into even length lines and told him to go first. He did as she asked, and it only took 2 minutes, 3 at most before he got the hardest erection he’d ever had

‘Jesus fucking Christ Amber what the fuck is in that gear?!?’

‘I’m not sure exactly, it smells like rat poison though’ before Jimmy could speak she continued ‘A Chinese fella from the corner told me it would give me more stamina when I was complaining about the number of clients I was getting’

The look in Jimmy’s eye told her all she needed to know, as he ripped off his trousers, spun her around and mounted her. He gave her the hardest pounding he’d ever given any woman in his life, she swore he’d broke a bone or another body part.

Just at the point of climax, Jimmy grabbed her hair but as he did the door to the flat was burst open, with 4 armed police officers barging through shouting ‘GET ON THE GROUND’. As Amber shrieked and got up, 2 officers pounced on Jimmy, and as they did one get his face filled with the full load of Jimmy’s semen.

Jimmy was put in handcuffs and he was read the allegations. ‘You are arrested on suspicion of drug trafficking, money laundering and human trafficking. Anything you say..’ Jimmy cut him ‘HUMAN TRAFFICKING?!? The drugs and money yeah, but humans? Nah man I’ve from Edinburgh not fucking Glasgow!

One of the officers told another to write down what Jimmy had said. He was lead into the back of the paddy wagon, boxers shorts round his ankles and his now flaccid penis fully on show.

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They left him in his cell for what seemed like days. He felt as rough as a badgers arse but that was down to the powder he sniffed that gave him his monster erection. Eventually he was summoned to an interview room where he was greeted by the older man that had accompanied him on the journey so far

‘I’ve got them to drop the human trafficking charge, Jonesy has confirmed he was brought here of his own accord’

‘I didn’t realise he was here with us?’

‘He was in the suitcase. Enough of that for now. They’re happy to not put you in prison, trust me, prison in Thailand is no joke. But they want a deal’

‘A deal? For what? I’ve not done anything!’

‘Actually, that powder you were sniffing was the ashes of the recently deceased Thailand Prime Minister’

‘No shit?’

‘No. He died of a Viagra overdose’

‘That figures’

‘The authority are willing to listen to a plea’

‘But I…’

He cut him off ‘It doesn’t matter. You’ve been framed’ he shook his head as he saw Jimmy about to speak ‘No, not like the TV show. You’ve been set up, you’re looking at 30 years minimum, the deal they’re offering is a 1 year contract at Samut Songkham’

Jimmy considered this for a minute ‘So to get me out of prison I’ve just got to be a manager at another football club? Sign me the fuck up!’

‘There is one other small itsy-bitsy caveat I’ve got to inform you of’

‘Well it can’t be any worse than prison can it?’

‘No, you’re right. At face value it doesn’t seem too bad’ he paused before continuing ‘The authorities want to appoint an agent to oversee your career for the next few years’

‘Few years?’

‘Yes, it says a number to be determined, at least between 2 and 15 years from date of acceptance’

'15 fucking years?!?’ Jimmy screamed, before taking a moment to think then said ‘Will it be a case of them telling me when and where I go, or actually managing on my behalf?’

‘I’m not sure, I have to get them to confirm exactly, but time isn’t on our side here, they want an answer by the end of the day, otherwise they’ll be putting you in jail here pending a court date, which if I know anything about Thai politics it could be a long time before your case even gets looked at by the part time pen pushers’

‘I’ve got no other choice have I’

‘No.’
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Cross posted at On The Break

Travelling for 1,000 days is better than sitting in prison for 1

Jimmy was sacked following the arrest. The Lampang chairman using the arrest as the official reason but it was felt the relegation was probably what did it.

During the last couple of hours, Jimmy and his new associate were discussing the terms of the deal that would see Jimmy avoid being remanded in prison and a long wait for a court date. During the talks a small man had joined the room and introduced himself as Somchai Tanprasert.

‘Try saying that after a few bevvie’s eh lads’ Jimmy remarked

Somchai didn’t react, but instead started talking to the officer in charge of the meeting ‘This is who you have got me?’

‘Yes, at short notice…’ he was cut off

‘Keep your excuses, I am not interested’

‘It’s only for 1 year unless, well, you know’

‘I do, money is tight right now. I guess I’ll see myself out’ He looked at Jimmy and the old man ‘Come, we have much to discuss’ and the new man lead them out.

A short drive later they arrived at a football stadium. ‘My club, Samut Songkhram. Any questions?’

‘Yeah, you’re not gonna threaten to chop off my extremely large cock if I relegate your team are you?’ Jimmy asked

‘Why would I do that?’

‘The last slanty eyed fucker that forced me to manage his club said he’d chop it off we got relegated’

‘And did he?’

Jimmy pulled his shorts & pants down, sort of swung his hips around so his anatomy was on show ‘No, he didn’t’

The chairman’s eyes widened as he said ‘Wow look at the size of that!! I see you weren’t lying’

‘I never lie pal’

After discussing penis sizes a little while longer, the old man who has so far accompanied Jimmy on this journey refusing to share his (the chairman got his out, Jimmy laughed) they found themselves in the chairman’s office, ready to talk details about Jimmy’s conditions.

The next meeting that took place was just between the chairman and Jimmy. The advocate had gone to get refreshments. ‘Firstly, I’m your new boss and you’re my new first team manager’

Jimmy shook his head and said reluctantly ‘Okay, and how bad are the team?’

‘So-so. We’ll finish in the bottom half, that’s being generous’

‘Great, another relegation on my already piss poor CV then’

‘Don’t be so negative just yet, the next part of the deal with the authorities is I am to appoint a director of football to oversee transfers and contracts’

‘Good, cos I know absolutely no one over here pal!’

‘Quite. Also, as you know they have appointed an advocate for the length of the agreement, he’s someone I have known for a while’

‘What’s he gonna do exactly?’

‘As I see things he’ll advise you on everything from training, squad management and that kind of thing, even what to do to do in your spare time, or in your case what not to do!’

‘Great, so I’ve got this old tit following me around and now I’m going to have another bell end watching me constantly??’

‘It’s not going to be forever, the other option is prison’

‘I guess’

‘My advice to you, after not knowing you at all, is that your best bet is to make the most of this opportunity you’ve been given. You’re going to have run everything by your advocate, but make it work and doors could open up for you elsewhere in the world. Look at it like an apprenticeship, he can guide you in a way’

‘I don’t think doors will open up if I’ve got some knob head watching my every move!’

‘For every negative there’s a positive. You never know this could be the best thing that could’ve happened to you’

‘Aye, guess we’ll see’

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Cross posted at On The Break with images

When life gives you lemons, throw them back. Lemons are a terrible gift.

Life wasn’t giving Jimmy the lemon’s he’d heard so much about, but what it was giving him was a job, a place to stay and money from said job. His new team, Samut Songkhram were expected to be fighting it out at the bottom end of the table with relegation very likely, however Jimmy’s new advocate had other ideas.

Upon meeting the advocate for the first time, Jimmy was told in no uncertain terms ‘I’ll be watching your every move’

‘Weirdo’

‘From what I’ve heard you’re the one that’s weird’

Jimmy reluctantly accepted his new companion, although not everything was doom and gloom. The first day in the job, his advocate confirmed to Jimmy the club would be hiring a director of football to oversee transfers, something Jimmy was grateful for.

‘The bosses have got a former player in to help you, his name is Alexey, he’ll be here tomorrow, but he’s already agreed deals for 2 players’

Alexey joined Jimmy and his advocate in the players lounge the following day and introduced himself to Jimmy. Once the pleasantries were out of the way they conducted business

‘I can confirm the bosses have sanctioned 2 new player signings, both from Tuvalu. Midfielder Vaisua Liva and forward Alopua Petoa will be here later today

Not world beaters, I mean who from Tuvalu would ever be any decent? But it was 2 more players at his disposal, and he was grateful for the support.

After meeting his new team and asking a few things, mainly where the best drinking spots in Samut are and briefly going over tactics, Jimmy had a long discussion with his new advocate to clear things up

‘Firstly you probably don’t like me…’

Jimmy cut him off ‘No shit I don’t, you’re a massive bell end!’

‘I can be your best friend or worst enemy James’

‘Don’t call me that’

‘I’ll call you Fred fucking Flintstone if I want, now listen to me’ he allowed himself a moment ‘You find yourself in a unique position, the bosses have friends within the authorities here in Thailand, and have been looking at ways to get into favourable positions in football. The idea is for you to get a bit of a reputation in this part of the world and before long get you into a top club where the bosses can invest heavily and win’

Jimmy looked confused

‘Don’t worry about it, I’ve got things lined up for the short term’

‘How’?

‘You’re going to be here in Samut for this year, then we’ll see. We’ll take things as they come, but we’re in a good position here. We stay up and can build on getting promotion, but let’s take it slow for now’

‘It’s not like I have a choice is it’

‘No, but just trust me okay. I can see that you’re conflicted so let me explain it like this. If, in the unlikely event you fail here or anywhere else, you will have had experience of managing and a good few years on your CV. There’s plenty of clubs around the world that would take you on with a few years under your belt. You could even look at it as starting again in that event, but it won’t happen.’ He waited a moment ‘I’ve got as much at stake as you, if you fail I fail. I’m here to guide you and make sure you get as much of a chance of success as possible. Hell you could even go back to Scotland I hear their leagues are pretty shit at the minute’

‘True that actually’

‘See, so you’re either going to be in a better position professionally and financially than you are now, or you’re going to have gained experience to better your chances elsewhere, it’s a no lose situation’

‘All I remember from my old man before he went for smokes and never came back was that he always said if something seems too good to be true than it usually is’

‘Did he ever come back?’

‘No’

‘Fuck that guy and his stupid comments. You’re a football manager Jim, he’s not. Now enough talk, you’ve got work to do’

On their way out of the room, the old man who had so far accompanied Jimmy on this journey approached and the advocate spoke ‘He’s leaving us for now’

The old man cut him off ‘You’re damn right I am, I’m too old for this shit!’ and he slammed the door on his way out.

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Cross posted at On The Break with images

You will never find time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.


Before a ball was kicked in the new season, Jimmy’s advocate called to confirm the club had singed 1 more player for the upcoming season, a player Jimmy should know

‘Who in the blue hell is Nay Nay?!’

‘Not Nay Nay, it’s Nene’

‘Never heard of him’

‘You have, he was Lampang’s captain, you know, the team you relegated!’

‘Nah you’re wrong, the captain was that big unit that was injured for every game I was there apart from the last one where we got dicked and sent down’

The advocate gave a very loud audible sigh down the phone line ‘He’ll be there shortly. He’s expecting to be your captain again, so I suggest you think of a way to tell your squad this news. Speak soon’ He hung up.

When Jimmy turned around he was greeted by a broad dark skinned man, who spoke perfect English

‘We meet again boss. Thanks for arranging the move here. We were unlucky at Lampang weren’t we, if I wasn’t injured we’d have stayed up’ the man said

‘Erm, yeah mate’ Jimmy replied awkwardly

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A few nights later, Jimmy is awoken by the sounds of his phone ringing

‘H-hello?’

‘James, it’s me, I hope you’ve not forgotten what today is?’

‘Fuck sake, what time is it?’

‘5AM’

‘Kin’ hell man what is it with you, can’t you leave me alone?’

‘Tell Amber to get out and leave, you get a shower and dressed and don’t under any circumstances touch the powder she’s left out for you’ Click. He hung up.

That fucking bastard, Jimmy thought, and as he did Amber, last evenings companion walked to the bed, naked and semi erect ‘I’ve left a morning boost on the side for you, unless you fancy something else?’ she asked looking down to her (his??) penis whilst reaching for Jimmy’s

‘How much will this one cost? He asked sheepishly

‘On the house’ she replied whilst fully undressing herself. As his 9 inches of doom steadily went in and out of here for at least 9 minutes, he noticed a tattoo on her left leg and made a mental note to query it after he’d finished, which if history is anything to go by won’t be much longer.

When he finally finished, 17 minutes later to be precise, he congratulated himself by hoover up the powder left on the cabinet by Amber, and he asked her, in no uncertain terms ‘You’re a green nosed gobshite then?’ to which she replied ‘In my previous life I was a die hard football fanatic yes’

‘Why Celtic?’

‘My dad’s a catholic’

‘He can’t have been too happy about, erm, your change?’

‘Nope, he’s disowned me. Anyway why do you ask? You’re not a Blue are ya?’

‘Absolutely not! Hearts through and through me pet!’

She smiled, finished off the last of the powder and gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘See you tonight?’ he asked, to which she replied ‘Can’t, I’ve got a corporate client, pays really well, double so I don’t tell anyone, it’s easy money. I’ll be in touch’

By the time he got to the teams bus the driver was seconds away from leaving, Jimmys advocate screaming something about punctuality, but he made it and off to Bangkok they went, in the teams first game of the season against Police Tero, stupid team name by the way.

Life wasn’t kind to Jimmy in his debut as Samut manager as his new team went down 2-0, with new boy Nene nearly killing an attacker by going in with studs showing. The incompetence of the Thailand referees fully on show, as if Joey Barton had made that tackle he would be given a 2 year playing ban and a suspended prison sentence. Nene got off without as much as a yellow card.



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Cross posted at On The Break with images