The Dark Underworld of Football - [Behind the Scenes]

“Today is a good day!” I sung to myself as I pulled into the parking lot of a gorgeous glass building. It had that professional look I could only aspire to, but my future was bound up with this place, I could feel it. Using the rearview mirror I straightened my tie, grabbed my folder, and walked purposefully towards the entrance.

I opened the door and approached the secretary’s desk with a smile. “I am here for my interview with the board.”

“Your name?” she said in a bored monotone voice without looking up from her computer screen.

“Mr. Shjanzey” I replied.

Several clicks later she sighed in annoyance and said, as if it were an oft repeated phrase, “We are currently conducting other interviews. Please go through that door and wait with the others until it is your turn.”

I looked at the door she was gesturing at and dutifully followed her instructions. After walking through the door sweat started trickling down the small of my back. The tie I was wearing felt like it was choking the breath out of me. When the man sitting there noticed me he gave a cool one fingered gesture of greeting as if he were saying “Sup.”.


Just what in the hell is Jose “The Special One” Mourinho doing at this interview? This may be more difficult than I thought. I nodded a silent greeting back at his specialness and continued to survey the room for a place to sit. The next face I saw was so beautiful I almost couldn’t maintain my composure when he sent a friendly smile my way.


Just great! Becks is here too? If I felt bad at the sight of Senhor Morinho, this didn’t help matters much. I quickly glanced around the room trying to prepare myself for the worst, but fortunately I was spared any more suprise candidates, however there seemed to be only one chair left in the waiting room, and it was in between Mr. Beckham and Mr. Mourinho.

“Here goes nothing” I said to myself. I approached the waiting men and made my introductions.


“I’m Mr. Shjanzey, and although you don’t know me I am familiar with both of you and your work. You are both brilliant, and I just wanted to wish you both luck in today’s interview.”

I shook their hands, while receiving the usual empty platitudes that small talk requires before sitting down. The wait seemed endless, but when the door opened signalling the end of the most recent interview, well that is when things got weird. Guess who walked out of that door maintaining not even a shred of dignity? He had tears running down his face and he wasn’t even dressed professionally


Diego Maradona. Ridiculous! I almost laughed, because how many times has he pulled the crocodile tears routine? Some things never get old.

After Maradona left the waiting room the man at the door continued to flip through several pages in his files before finding what he was looking for. He then stared me straight in the eyes and said, “WAAA WAAA WAA WAAA WAA”

I was confused so I sent a questioning look at Beckham, as if to ask what the hell was going on. He was still smiling, but where did his shirt go?


Well, this is getting awkward.

WAA WAA WAA WAA WAA

My heart leaped through my chest as my eyes fluttered open. I was laying in bed and my annoying alarm was still going off. Well shit! I have an interview with Hayling United today.

To tell the truth the interview was far from what I expected, and possibly just as odd as the dream I had that morning. After prepping myself for the big day I drove out to Hayling. It is an island community just off the southern coast of the United Kingdom. It is immediately adjacent to Portsmouth and is mostly known as a prime location for sailing and windsurfing.

The drive out to Hayling College was lovely. I have always admired the scenic beauty the coastline has to offer. When I reached my destination an unassuming man met me at my car saying, “Mr. Shjanzey I presume?”

I nodded and shook the man’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you, I’m Ian Gollop the Chairman of Hayling United F. C.”

He walked me toward the Primary School that shared the grounds with Hayling United F.C. “Lovely day innit?” he asked.

“That it is sir.”

Reaching a covered veranda he gestured to one of the wooden picnic tables, “Let’s take advantage of the weather and have a little chat here.”



His attempt to put me at ease was making me more nervous. This was quite out of the ordinary. I think my nerves were getting to me, because I immediately cringed when I heard myself reply to his first question. Oh this is going to be rough!

“What do you know about Hayling United F.C.?”

“Nothing sir.”

His eyes grew wide and he pursed his lips before bursting into laughter. “Quite so, my good man, quite so.”

“Hayling United F.C.” he continued, “the shining darling of 10th tier English Football. Wessex League One bottom feeders who are in financial straights and have barely avoided relegation due to Stockbridge’s unfortunate withdrawal from the league. Our shining days hark back to when we stood atop the Wexxex Premier Division, yet were forced to endure relegation due to the state of our pitch. Why is it then that you seek employment with us?”

I coughed uncomfortably, “Well to be quite honest sir, I am broke and in need of a job. I played around entirely too much when I was studying at the University and barely earned a degree in Art History, not by choice mind you. The only thing I managed to take seriously during that time was Soccer, errr as you would say here Football. I organized a community team, made up mostly of my friends at school and we managed to beat the official University team three times in a row. I am quite proud of that one, since we attended a Division-1 school.

After graduating I decided on a trip to the UK to sightsee and maybe work the odd job. Well, it so happens I blew through my money a bit too fast. When I called home for help my parents were less than amused and advised me to figure it out by myself. So here I sit at your mercy offering you the only skill I possess, which according to my estimation is most likely a middling knowledge of the game you so love and a desperation to work that only a week of hunger can bring.”

Ian sat there staring at me and nodded his head several times. “It seems we find ourselves in a similar situation. Our financial position is wretched and we have an average attendance of 10 fans per game, so there really isn’t much potential for earnings. The salary, should we choose to hire you would be miniscule. I suppose we can provide modest lodgings, I know there is a shed on these grounds that we could renovate in a pinch. Do you have any coaching badges?”

I shook my head no.

He frowned and tapped his lips with his index finger several times, “Well I suppose you would have get those on the side. It would have to come out of your pocket of course until we find ourselves in a better place. You wouldn’t be able to expect much support from the community either. They see us more as a lost cause. The best we could do would be about 100 pound per week, just enough to keep food in your mouth. What kind of idiot would take a job under such unreasonable terms?”

I sighed to myself. This didn’t seem to be going well.

Suddenly Ian Gollop flashed a winning smile and held his hand out, “The job is yours for the taking, if you want it.”

I blinked several times in surprise and shook his hand heartily. What a gamble! I couldn’t believe I actually pulled this off. The worst interview in the history of mankind and I found myself with a job. It looks like Hayling United F.C. found just the idiot they were looking for!

A picture of Mr. Shjanzey after the interview

A fat man was incessantly yelling at me.

“Oi! What is this? A Yank managing our team? Get off, Yank! This is our team. Yer just gonna muck it up even worse than it already is.”

He continued to shout his pleasantries for several minutes. Meanwhile a guy kept taking pictures using a camera with a huge flash that would strobe a hundred times before actually taking the picture. He moved all over the place and made some very interesting poses as he tried to get the “right shot.” It seemed as if he believe that the more difficult contortions he tired would result in a better photo.



Finally Ian intervened, “Rupert, please stop yelling or we can’t start our press conference.” Turning to me he whispered in an apologetic voice, “That’s Rupert Brimble, the President of the Hayling United Supporters Club. Well actually he’s the only member as well.”

I nodded and made a mental note of Rupert. I had a feeling he was going to be a headache in the days to come.

“Mr. Shjanzey!” shouted the zealous reporter, “What are your expectations for this season?”

“Lets try to avoid relegation.” I replied. The reporter furiously scribbled in his notebook. I shook my head in disbelief. This guy was taking this a little too seriously. I looked around at the empty room and scratched the back of my head. A two person turnout for an all important “press conference.” I felt like an ape standing in front of a podium addressing an over-excited reporter and an angry football fan.

The next day I groaned when I saw the headline from the local news source, The Islander




Well that is an interesting interpretation....I guess it’s time to go meet the lads.

Ian walked me over to the pitch and I was pleased to see the lads were already scrimmaging. When I got closer I was horrified by what I saw.



If I had to put it delicately the kindest thing I could say is that they played like shit. “Just who in the hell is that fat guy?” I blurted out.

Seemingly unphased Ian crisply responded, “Ah, that is our playmaker. He is the best player on the team.”

I groaned inwardly as I watched. I had to admit, his passing was fantastic, but forget about him ever being match fit this century. This team was due for an overhaul. While the seniors continued to play I saw the youth players sitting on the sidelines watching. Maybe one of them would be up to the task.

Over the next few days I subbed them in to play with the senior squad, and was pleased to find that three of them were quite good. We may have a fighting chance afterall.

As I was feeling hopeful my reverie was broken by a thunderous, yet rhythmic booming. Ah it must be my daily berating from Rupert. Every day as I was running the team practice Rupert would show up to the pitch with a huge drum and bang on it why screaming profanities, generally aimed at my yankness and ineptitude. Ah Rupert, I need to deal with you.



“Hey Rupert!” I shouted while waving him over, “Get over here!”

Rupert waddled over to me and was quite out of breath when he arrived. He admirably maintained the scowl on his face as he struggled for air.

“As the president of our Supporter’s Club, what do you think this club needs?”

He didn’t miss a beat, “A new manager!”

I have to admit I set myself up for that one, but I forged onwards, “Fair enough, let’s say you give me a few games before sacking me. What would you do if you were the manager?”

“First of all squire” he said in a proud voice, “I would never manage, for I belong on the pitch with my beloved Hayling United. I am a purebred striker, born to score goals.”

This guy was hilarious! It took all of my self-discipline to act like I was taking him seriously. I wanted to fall on the ground and laugh my ass off, but moments like this required tact.

“I knew it! All right Rupert, take this practice jersey and sub in for Salako.”

Rupert’s face turned red and he began to stutter, “B.b.but I didn’t bring....well I just...if that is a....right then!”

I watched the fat man waddle out to the pitch. The players looked over at me in confusion, so I sent them a thumbs up, that everything was okay. It only took fifteen minutes before he collapsed on the field. A couple of the lads helped me haul him off before they went back to the formal training.

“Rupert, you still want to be a Striker?”

“No guv, but you are a helluva gaffer to give me a shot” he wheezed.

“Now you listen here, my son. You are the President of our Supporters Club. You are going to have a lot to do soon. Right now, we don’t have much but I am going to let you in on a little secret. I don’t plan on having a mediocre team here.

We are going to win, and when we win there are going to be more fans. When there are more fans, we want to hear their cheers. Since you have been the most loyal supporter, I am prepared to offer a special relationship with your supporters club. What you did today, will be a yearly fan event for the supporters of Hayling United F.C. A day where 10 fans, selected by your Supporters Club of course, will be allowed to train with the Hayling United players.”

Rupert Brimble was beaming from ear to ear. “I was wrong about you. Truth is this club is all I got. I still live at home with me mum. I can’t take much pride in myself, but this club is worthy of all my pride. I’ll do my best, and one more thing.”

I waited in anticipation.

“I was off my form today, so I am going to start training. Next year I’ll make you see me as a real striker and at that time you will have no choice but to hire me.”

I chuckled in amusement, “Do your best, I look forward to it.”

After that day Rupert no longer shouted profanities at me, but he still showed up to the pitch, and he still shouted his chants while banging on his drum. Much to my embarrassment they were all praising the great new coach, which resulted in the players nominating him as my number one fan. God I hate those guys.

Good luck! This is brilliant so far!

This is excellent mate! I hope we see Rupert make a return

2014-03-28 12:04#166357 TodayAtTomorrow : This is excellent mate! I hope we see Rupert make a return

I have big plans for Rupert. He is too damn funny

Authors Note: So I ran through the first season not thinking to make a story, but I changed my mind. I don't have monthly tables for change in position, so I am really sorry about that. Hang with me through the first season and I promise it will get better.

Before I knew it the season was upon us. These were only friendly matches, but I was planning to do the lion’s share of my work during these matches. It was absolutely vital that I decide on a first team and get them working together as soon as possible. The following are the results of our pre-season.


I am glad I had the senior squad play the Under-21s first. A draw is absolutely unacceptable, so I started calling up some of our younger players. Five players showed promise, and they were very excited when I asked them to join the senior squad.

Sean Salako

Nick Rowley

Nick Bussey

Mike Way

Chris Keough

Chris looked like the weakest of the bunch, but I felt sorry for him being that he is only 19 and is already completely bald. He deserves a shot at least.

For our first friendly match against Sheerwater we had a smashing attendance of 24 people. Rupert was really excited and I believe he was responsible for this great turnout. I know 24 people doesn’t sound like much, but we have been averaging 10 people per match for last several years. It is nice to see some local interest.

The good news about our friendlies is that we split against tier 8 teams. Our humiliating loss was against a tier 8 team, but the good news is that three of their goals were scored off set pieces. Our defense was holding strong, but they really needed to work on playing against corners and free kicks. Chalfront St. Peter is the other team, and we handled them very well.

I feel good about the upcoming season, but the season is young yet. It is easy to play with enthusiasm at the beginning.

“Hello? Mom? How are you doing?”

“Oh it’s you Mr. Shjanzey! Have you finally come to your senses? When are you coming home then?”

The phone went silent for a few seconds as I struggled for the right words to say, “I’m actually going to be here a bit longer.”

“Wait until your father hears about this.” I heard her put the phone down and shout in the background. She always did this when she didn’t want to go downstairs, “Herbert, your son is on the phone and he says he isn’t coming back!”

My mom - Gertrude

*click* - it sounded like my dad picked up the other line.

My dad out for a stroll

“Let’s hear the reason why you aren’t coming back.” suspicion confirmed, and he didn’t sound all to happy.

“I found a job” I said in the most cheerful voice I could muster.

“A job?” my mom said in annoyance, “You are supposed to go to law school and work hard to become partner some day.”

My head was beginning to hurt. They always had aspirations for me that frankly didn’t interest me.

“Let me handle this Gertrude!” my dad snapped, “What kind of job is it, son?”

“I was just hired on as the coach for Hayling United F.C. a very reputable soccer club here in South England.” Maybe I was embellishing their reputation a bit, but my parents wouldn’t know.

“Games?” my dad yelled, “You are still playing those stupid games? Do you see your brother playing games?”


Ah the tried and true act like your brother speech. I knew it would come down to this.

My Big Brother - The Hotshot

“Top of his class at Harvard,” he said with pride “youngest partner ever at Floyd, Floyd & Patterson. His girlfriend’s parents own a chain of successful boutiques that gross several hundred million dollars a year! I figured the example he set would inspire you, but you still choose to play those stupid GAMES!”

He punctuated the last word as he slammed the receiver down and hung up. All in all that went better than I thought.

“Think about what your father said.” my mom said gravely before she hung up as well.

Well this was an easy thing to think about. My brother studied long hours to finish law school only to be told to run errands, fetch coffee, and pick up dry cleaning; just so he could have a chance to make “partner” at some mid-level law firm.

I could do that, or stay here working on this team. Even though I sleep in hammock in the groundskeeping shed, every day is a hell of a lot of fun.

My sleeping arrangements

I am really starting to like the lads and I see them going places. Every time we win a game I get a huge rush to see happy fans, and satisfied players. Hell even Rupert is a better conversationalist than the people my brother usually hangs out with. I can’t stand those pretentious pricks.

Note: Why these dramatic interludes? Usually it coincides with me being bored at work, without my FM save so I end up injecting a little bit more “fluff” into the story. Plus, I do have an overall arching idea/point so it will play out as the story progresses. I promise next update will be month 1 of our season :D

August yielded mixed results, the most depressing was our preliminary round loss in the FA Cup.


I shouldn’t be surprised, it is still too early to expect a complete mental turnaround. On the plus side we won our first round Wessex League Cup game. That means money for the team, and we can use every single cent.

Being a home game, Rupert was out in full regalia. Wouldn’t you know it I saw he was being quite friendly with an overweight lass who enjoyed his attentions. Things are looking up for my biggest fan, although I wish he would ditch the FatHead of me. How was he able to procure one so quickly?

Player of the month was Sean Salako, with an honorable mention to Jake Bromley. Both of them were fantastic, and played the best even when we were losing. Two spots in the midfield are now accounted for, hopefully the rest will sort itself out soon.

Almost a perfect month, and I couldn’t be more pleased with how the lads are playing.


Once again Sean Salako keeps up his fine form and grabbed three player of the match awards. Mike Way deserves an honorable mention, scooping up two of these awards for himself. He has turned out to be a key part of our defense, as well as snatching key goals off headers from set pieces.

Since the start of our season I have let a total of 7 guys go, but I have only brought in one player to help shore up our defense. The rest of the players have been salvaged from our youth system, which had some surprising talent. Unfortunately our defense was still lacking depth and I really wanted to bring in someone who had some experience to help settle the back line.

Mani Randhawa

Even though he is only 24, the next oldest player on defense is only 19. I was hoping he would provide some direction to the lads when the game got unsettled.

Next month our tough schedule continues with six games. Fortunately we have been injury free, and I plan to keep it that way. My parents have stopped answering my calls, I am not sure if I should be upset or relieved.

This is a really great story! Enjoying every single part of it! You write well, and the results aren't too bad either. Well done so far!

Our campaign continued into October with an almost perfect month. Unfortunately our only loss came in the second round of the Wessex League Cup. I was initially upset about this, but I can see the lads have been getting exhausted from our aggressive schedule.


This month was really tough on the team, as we picked up three injuries from our starting squad. We also had two red cards this month, one occurred in a miracle win against East Cowes when Roy Peers, one of our main defenders, got sent off in the first minute and John Wallington our Central Midfielder got injured in the 29th minute. Things looked dire, but Sean Salako has continued to be a beast, and formed a perfect pair with Nick Rowley to put together three goals.



The other red card came when Mani Randhawa picked up two yellows in a match. I wasn’t too happy about it, because I have noticed he has been picking up bookings at a rapid pace. I didn’t fault him for this red, because the ref’s call was suspect, however I will discipline him if it happens again.

This month both Nick and Sean shared two man of the match awards. It is hard to say who the player of the month goes to between the two, but I think Sean Salako wins it once again just because he has been such a consistent performer. He is a huge presence in the midfield as he creates chances out of nothing for the forwards.

Hopefully with all these injuries we can keep our momentum heading into the next month.

Wow! This is really well done. I haven't read many
FM stories but this is by far the most entertaining one I have read so far. There were quite a few moments that caused me to belly laugh out loud. You are a good writer... keep it going!

I have my popcorn and am ready for more. http://forum.smartcanucks.ca/images/smilies/marset/popcorn.gif