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qwertyman

Hartlepool purchased by tycoon

Mukesh Ambani, an oil tycoon from Mumbai, India, has bought Hartlepool United. He stated:

"I have always been interested in the world game, and I am happy to have bough the first team available, which turned out to be Hartlepool United. With the money that I have available, I will try to take the Monkey Hangers to the top of European football.

Unfortunately, the current (now ex) manager Colin Cooper resigned, after he received some incorrect information regarding my takeover. I will try to find the best manager suited to the job, possibly a big fan of the club if that is possible."

News outlets are unsure to who will succeed Cooper as Hartlepool manager, but he will have to be good with transfers to take control of the club.

Tallery

10 years

Oooh a Qwertyman story... sure gunna be weird! Good luck!

qwertyman

10 years

Jeff Stelling appointed as Hartlepool manager

http://static.tumblr.com/nkhsogx/LLbll1wb9/jeff_stelling.jpeg

Jeff Stelling has been appointed as Hartlepool United manager in an official press conference today at Victoria Park. Stelling is the first manager under Mukesh Ambani, who bought the club yesterday.

Jeff Stelling, who was born on 18 March 1955 and turns 59 next birthday, is a keen Hartlepool United supporter, a fact that anybody who watches his show 'Soccer Saturday' on Sky Sports would know. He worked on the show for 19 years, but he stated in his press conference today that he would no longer continue with the show.

"I didn't expect to get offered this job, but I am over the moon to have the opportunity to take this club forward. I promise, I will deliver." said Stelling in his statement to the press this morning. "I am incredibly grateful to Mukesh for giving me the job. I will now sort out my backroom staff and using the immense funds that I have available."

Authors Notes
It was a shame that my James Brown story ended. I went on holiday, then I had a tour with my football team in which I damaged my hand, and when I could type again, I couldn't find my story in the list. This isn't an incredibly weird start, but I promise I will make it stranger.

qwertyman

10 years

Seven signings. All because of Mukesh in charge of the club. I have the loyalty bonuses, and I have a large wage budget.

I was on my way to the press conference where I would talk about these new players. Unfortunately, as I got on to the A689, I was met with this:

The Orange Order were literally doing a march, and it was blocking my way to Victoria Park. I had never seen this happen when I was growing up here, it must be something new. I also had never seen this man here, nor had I expected him to be among this crowd.

Eric Cantona, apparently an Orangeman.

EC: Eric Cantona
JS: Jeff Stelling

EC: I know you! You're Jeff Stelling!
JS: What the hell are you doing here?
EC: Keith Gillespie convinced me. That's him over there.
JS: Since when are you protestant? I didn't know that you knew about Northern Ireland.
EC: Talk to Keith about that. It just seems like fun.
JS: So, what have you been doing since you retired?
EC: I was at a team in New York a few years back. I'm looking for a job at the moment.
JS: Were you manager?
EC: Director of football.
JS: Do you want a job at Hartlepool?
EC: Of course!
JS: I'll send you a contract.

I now have a director of football, hired in a weird way.

Tallery - Cheers mate!

everton23

10 years

This could get interesting

qwertyman

10 years

Pre-Season

http://cf.juggle-images.com/matte/white/280x280/guiseley-afc-logo-primary.jpg
Guiseley 0-3 Hartlepool
James Poole (51) (Hartlepool)
Jack Compton (83) (Hartlepool)
Antony Sweeney (86) (Hartlepool)

Hartlepool 1-2 Peterborough
Jonathan Franks (37) (Hartlepool)
Nicky Ajose (38) (Peterborough)
Britt Assombalonga (74) (Peterborough)

Blyth Spartans 0-0 Hartlepool

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20100213124750/football/en/images/5/53/Stockport_County_FC.png
Stockport 1-5 Hartlepool
Kristian Dennis (26) (Stockport)
Scott Duxbury (28 OG) (Hartlepool)
Luke James (45) (Hartlepool)
James Poole (50) (Hartlepool)
Antony Sweeney (70) (Hartlepool)
Jonathon Franks (78) (Hartlepool)

http://www.darlington1883.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Billingham-Town-crest.jpeg
Billingham Town 0-3 Hartlepool
Jonathan Franks (15) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (35) (Hartlepool)
Esteban Lopez (81) (Hartlepool)

And those signings:
Jody Morris - Free - Centre Mid - Now our best player, and the wages were really cheap. Sure, he's 34, but he's a former Premier League winner with Chelsea!

Matt Bloomfield - £80k from Wycombe - Centre Mid - I've got loads of money, and I decide to buy this guy. He'll be part of the team, sure, but I could have done better.

Mat Sadler - £185k from Crawley - Left Back - Our most expensive transfer, I should spend more money.

Darryl Flahavan - Free from Bournemouth - Goalkeeper - Going to be backup for this season. He should really playing mid-table in League 2.

Dean Santangelo - Free - Goalkeeper - 5 Star potential! A useful addition to the under 21's.

Elikem Amenku - Free - Centre Mid - Good potential, more for the weak u21's.

Joel Ambalu - Free - Striker - Once again, good potential and we had no other youth strikers. This one might get first team minutes.

Manny Smith - £85k from Notts County - Centre Back - First team quality and 5 star potential. I'm looking forward to seeing him play for us.

Esteban Lopez - Free - Right Winger - 5 star potential, I love our scouts!

Bring on the season!

qwertyman

10 years

Here's a long story for you.

I have had a great start to my season, I'm just off the back of a cup win and a 3-0 win against York, our rivals. Now, I have received an email from the Hartlepool Borough Council. It was a long email, but they want me to become the most famous person to come out of Hartlepool.

They also want me to "integrate in the community". I didn't know what that meant, but they've booked me in for some activities. I had to go to the Orange Hall (with Eric Cantona) and today I'm going to one of the many churches that there are in Hartlepool. This one, however, is an American form of church where the pastor gives passionate sermons with a stereotypical African-American voice. I actually thought I would enjoy this. I didn't.

Although the pastor was in fact really passionate, I didn't really catch on to what he was saying.

"And the lawd sayd... bewareth thy gingah! For he be a..."

I was actually falling asleep in here. I was collecting my thoughts as to why I agreed to this, but then I heard the word football.

"Tha lawd agrees with thy footbawl. His son plays centah, but..."

American football. I fell asleep.

I woke up near the end, and I made my way out, when I was ambushed by this guy.

http://www.ussoccerplayers.com/images/2014/01/desmond-armstrong-usmnt-biography.jpg

Apparently, he played football for a while, and is now trying to get on as a coach. We are short at the moment, but now we can welcome Desmond Armstrong to the team.

qwertyman

10 years

August

This was an actually awesome month, I managed to get the whole month undefeated, and I lie at the top with 13 points, one in front of Chesterfield. The playoff positions look like this:

These are our results from August:

Rochdale 1-4 Hartlepool
Graham Cummins (3) (Rochdale)
Andy Monkhouse (18) (Hartlepool)
Luke James (44) (Hartlepool)
Andy Monkhouse (51) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (67) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Andy Monkhouse (Hartlepool)

Huddersfield 0-1 Hartlepool - Capital One Cup
Marlon Harewood (14) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jody Morris (Hartlepool)

Hartlepool 3-2 Southend
Marlon Harewood (6 PEN) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (14 PEN) (Hartlepool)
Freddy Eastwood (38) (Southend)
Andy Monkhouse (54) (Hartlepool)
Lee Barnard (85) (Southend)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Marlon Harewood (Hartlepool)

York City 0-3 Hartlepool
Christian Burgess (54) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (74) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (85) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)

Hartlepool 1-1 Fleetwood Town
Ryan Cresswell (61 OG) (Hartlepool)
Alex Marrow (75) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Ben Davies (Fleetwood)

Hartlepool 4-2 Stoke City - Capital One Cup
Glenn Whelan (32) (Stoke)
Glenn Whelan (37) (Stoke)
Andy Monkhouse (46) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (66) (Hartlepool)
Andy Monkhouse (71) (Hartlepool)
James Poole (89) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Andy Monkhouse (Hartlepool)

Torquay 2-4 Hartlepool
Andy Monkhouse (2) (Hartlepool)
Billy Bodin (11) (Torquay)
Marlon Harewood (25) (Hartlepool)
James Poole (27) (Hartlepool)
Danny Stevens (33) (Torquay)
Marlon Harewood (55) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Marlon Harewood (Hartlepool)

REVIEW

I didn't expect this month to go as well as it did. As I said, we are first in the table, I got manager of the month and we had a player get League 2 Player of the Month. He is:

PLAYER OF THE MONTH
MARLON HAREWOOD
http://static.weltsport.net/bilder/spieler/gross/21814.jpg

Marlon currently leads the League 2 goalscoring charts, with 6 goals to his name. His average rating of 8.02 is incredible for this league, and if his form continues like this for the rest of the season, we will certainly go undefeated.

Oh, and by the way Everton, it will get interesting. We may see characters from my stories gone by.

qwertyman

10 years

Hartlepool were the most active team in England during the 2013 summer transfer window. They strengthened their squad with no fewer than FIFTEEN players. The players that they signed, who were mostly young talents with potential were:

Jody Morris - Free - Centre Mid
Matt Bloomfield - £73k from Wycombe - Centre Mid
Mat Sadler - £185k from Crewe - Left Back
Darryl Flahavan - Free from Bournemouth - Goalkeeper
Dean Santangelo - Free - Goalkeeper
Elikem Amenku - Free - Centre Mid
Joel Ambalu - Free - Striker
Manny Smith - £85k - Center Back
Esteban Lopez - Free - Left Winger
Christian Burgess - £250k from Middlesbrough - Centre Back
Ross Stewart - £100k from Motherwell - Goalkeeper
Ross Matthews - £80k from Roath Ravers - Right Mid
Joe Coleman - £43k from Dumbarton - Centre Back
Lewis Vaughan - £105k from Roath Ravers - Centre Mid
Liam Kelly - £50k from Rangers - Goalkeeper

Although Hartlepool have a large transfer budget courtesy of chairman Mukesh Ambali, but they only spent about £1 million during this transfer window. It is thought that Jeff Stelling is remaining conservative, spending that amount of money because he didn't need to spend any more.

qwertyman

10 years

I'm still doing all that "community work" in Hartlepool, and it is boring. However, it is useful for getting more backroom staff. For example, I managed to get a new scout today, but it was a weird way of getting it.

I had to visit a jail today. Meet with the prisoners and guards and stuff. It was there where I saw a very old man walk in. He had seen a crime.

"This is Mr. John James" said a police officer. "He saw the collision on the 5th."

Collision? I was in the room that he would be interviewed in.

"I was just walking along, I had a scouting assignment, and I was sent to look at Hartlepool United." Trying to take my players? What a bit... did he say he was a scout? "I saw him take the woman's purse and he ran forward. When I was a footballer, I would have chased him, but I simply couldn't." I'm interested in this guy. "I shouted and he looked my way. Then he ran into a lamppost." So this is what they mean by collision? I thought it was a car crash. "He was knocked out, then the woman took her purse back. I got in my car, diverted my attention, and then he was gone. He had a massive nose, which was broken, and blue eyes, but he had a green hoodie on. He was about my size."

"OK, thanks John." said the officer. He walked out, and so did I.

"Do you want a job at Hartlepool?" said I.
"Who are you?" John said.
"Jeff Stelling. I heard your story."
"You don't know anything about it, do you?"
"No, but I do know I can offer you one grand a week. You interested?"
"Yes, yeah sure. I'll just tell Plymouth. You'll have to pay them compensation."
"I'll get round to it. Just tell me some good young talents that you saw when you were scouting my team."

I needed to do anything to keep him away from his club, which was turned out to be Plymouth. I want all of my players to stay right here.

Also, we've got a good scout now! I could do with some more, or maybe even a coach.

qwertyman

10 years

September

I wonder if a League 2 club has ever won the Capital One Cup...

We started the month incredibly, but we soon had our undefeated run put to an end.

Hartlepool 7-1 Wycombe Wanderers
Marlon Harewood (31) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (42) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (64) (Hartlepool)
Andy Monkhouse (69) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (70 PEN) (Hartlepool)
Andy Monkhouse (83) (Hartlepool)
Manny Smith (89) (Hartlepool)
Matt McClure (90+1) (Wycombe)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Marlon Harewood (Hartlepool)

Hartlepool 4-0 Accrington Stanley
Jonathan Franks (10) (Hartlepool)
James Poole (41) (Hartlepool)
Mat Sadler (59) (Hartlepool)
Marlon Harewood (72 PEN) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)

Bristol Rovers 1-0 Hartlepool
Kaid Mohamed (79) (Bristol Rovers)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Kaid Mohamed (Bristol Rovers)

Scunthorpe 0-2 Hartlepool - Capital One Cup
James Poole (12) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (90+1) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)
Hartlepool face Watford in the Capital One Cup Quarter Final.

Hartlepool 3-1 Oxford United
Marlon Harewood (8) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (21) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (45) (Hartlepool)
Charles Banya (49) (Oxford)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)

PLAYER OF THE MONTH
Although Christian Burgess got League 2 Young Player of the month, and Marlon Harewood is still on track to get the League 2 Golden Boot, this month's player of the month goes to:

http://i3.gazettelive.co.uk/incoming/article3631054.ece/binary/0BD18A48-AA7E-4CEF-A148152C3AF9B6EA.jpg

Jonathan Franks

qwertyman

10 years

"Mr. Stelling, could you get in please?"

This came from a man with a really nice black Aston Martin. Despite that, I was worried. Could this be a gang? What would they want with me?

Ten Minutes Later

It wasn't bad. I found myself at this place:

http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/02/e4/63/21/spice-circle-indian-restaurant.jpg

And of course, I was told to come here by Hartlepool's tycoon, Mukesh Ambani.
MA: Mukesh Ambani
JS: Jeff Stelling

MA: I'm glad you could make it.
JS: I didn't have a choice.
MA: I invited you here to tell you that you have impressed me during your first few months at the club. What would you like to eat?
JS: I guess I'll have the curry.
MA: That's a broad statement, Jeff.
JS: Can I have the best one then?
MA: Yes you can. [to a waiter] Aho! Mala ya gharata ahe uttama milava!
Waiter: I don't speak Marathi.
MA: I just want the best this house can offer. Two of whatever that is, please.
Waiter: Certainly.
JS: What's Marathi?
MA: My language. Now, anyway, I need to tell you that I need you to hire some more coaches.
JS: Yeah, that would help.
MA: No, the players are complaining to me. I need you to get some coaches in, or I wont consider giving you the new contract that I have offered to you. If you can promise me two coaches by December, I'll give you a 3 year contract. Now excuse me.

He went away, probably to the toilet.

Voice: He wants you to get some coaches, then Jeff?
JS: Do I know you?
Voice: I am Adie Stovell, I was a fitness coach at Bolton, West Brom, Leicester and Nottingham Forest.
JS: Why are you in Hartlepool.
AS: Looking for a job.
JS: I guess I'll have to sign you up then.
MA: Who's this?
JS: Our new fitness coach.

http://th989.photobucket.com/albums/af19/timtim11/th_5118710.png
One more coach.

qwertyman

10 years

October

This month hasn't been great at all for cups. We lost in the Capital One Cup, and we only beat Sheffield United in the 1st round of the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in an insanely long penalty shootout. Some of the results in this month were amazing.

Mansfield 3-4 Hartlepool
James Poole (8) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (11) (Hartlepool)
Jody Morris (29) (Hartlepool)
Tomi Ameobi (42) (Mansfield)
Chris Clements (43) (Mansfield)
Jody Morris (52) (Hartlepool)
Lee Beevers (84) (Mansfield)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)

Sheffield United 2-2 Hartlepool
Penalties: Sheffield United 10-11 Hartlepool
Billy Paynter (14) (Sheffield United)
James Poole (18) (Hartlepool)
Ryan Flynn (63) (Sheffield United)
Jonathan Franks (68) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Ryan Flynn (Sheffield United)

Exeter 1-0 Hartlepool
Jake Fowler (90+2) (Exeter)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Carl Regan (Exeter)

Hartlepool 4-0 Plymouth
Christian Burgess (10) (Hartlepool)
James Poole (36) (Hartlepool)
Christian Burgess (38) (Hartlepool)
Andy Monkhoue (46) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Christian Burgess (Hartlepool)

Hartlepool 2-0 AFC Wimbledon
Marlon Harewood (9) (Hartlepool)
Jonathan Franks (15) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Jonathan Franks (Hartlepool)

Scunthorpe 2-3 Hartlepool
Marlon Harewood (18) (Hartlepool)
Karim Rossi (45+1) (Scunthorpe)
Paddy Madden (53 PEN) (Scunthorpe)
Marlon Harewood (62) (Hartlepool)
Manny Smith (90+5) (Hartlepool)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Marlon Harewood (Hartlepool)

Watford 2-0 Hartlepool - Capital One Cup
Park Chu Young (63) (Watford)
Almen Abdi (73) (Watford)

MAN OF THE MATCH - Almen Abdi (Watford)

PLAYER OF THE MONTH

MARLON HAREWOOD

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