Taking The 'Pish'

First of those 5 games was an away tie at 20th placed Chelmsford and something had been dropped in my keepers tea, I am sure of it. 2 World class, point-blank saves inside the first 5 minutes kept us level.

Chelmsford seemed intent in kicking my players off the pitch and 2 players already have knocks which should see them replaced, but I asked them to continue 'for the cause' and the bully boy tactics continued resulting in them taking the lead on the half hour.

Screaming at the ref I asked for some protection for my players, it was his job to stop this from happening. 37 minutes in and 2-0 down, what was in the tea had worn off and my keeper turned back into the shit stopper he has been all season.

Then on on 40 minutes my dream of 5 wins in 5 games and a continuation of the run was well and truly out of site and we were 3-0 down. I was gutted for them as we just couldn't match the dirtiness of our hosts.

Fook me, my keeper, I hated him with a passion all he had to do was clear it - yup, right to their centre forward and 4-0 down with 53 minutes on the clock. If I could I would rip his contract up, all that hard work the team had put in and he wasted it all, the press were giggling at hie performance and reading the reports later that night he was lucky to get a 5.7 rating. Toss, complete toss and I was in a real bad mood.

Pish Take Signing #1

With the outgoing of a contracted player I decided i was time to bring a new player to the club, and as such I introduced 27 year old Glaswegian Steven Leslle to the fans. A left and central midfield player I would be using him in a central role, be that midfield or the attacking midfield slot. With 226 league games and 20 league goals to his name, Steven joins the club from Northern Premier side Rushall Olympic.

Steven spent 10 years in League 2 with Shrewsbury and Hereford before dropping out of professional football and spending summer at various non league sides and winter over in Oz playing for Capalaba in the BPL.

Joining with a slight thigh injury he would start life off on the bench against 3rd placed Basingstoke and I hoped the side would bounce back from the previous defeat and start a new long match unbeaten record.

20 minutes into the match and we should have gone 1 up, 23 minutes into the match and we did with Danny Green scoring from the spot after a hand-ball was spotted.

Other than the above the highlight real was very short in the first match, and I was sat thinking if I was a manager setting my side up against my team, I would do what the previous manager did against us and kick us off the park. In a normal game at this level, very few can beat us fair and square.

I hoped the Basingstoke gaffer didn't change tactics for the 2nd half, I wanted the club to bounce back at the first attempt and get back on another 10 match unbeaten run and push for mid-table.

With a sub in mind, Brown scored his 2nd and 4th of the season from close range. The sub would still be made and I was toying with bringing my recovering new signing on for 20 minutes or so.

I decided against 20 minutes, but gave him 15 instead, fingers crossed he would make it! He did, we won 2-0 and we were back on the unbeaten ladder.

A cracking result that was against one of our local rivals, and set us up nice for an away game at 8th placed Havant. Noticing the injury list I realised we had 7 first team players out injured due to clubs kicking lumps out of us, I couldn't wait until we were playing in Europe and being protected by the ref....I could dream right.

I decided to throw my new signing in from the start, he had proved he was over the injury and although tired from the last match I decided to either make or break him.

And what a start he made, breaking up play in the middle of the park before sending Green in to open the scoring on 5 minutes. Green could have made it 2 on 41 minutes but the keeper got the better of him on a 1 v 1 situation and I had to settle for 1-0 at half time.

A goal inside the first 2 minutes of the 2nd half made it level at 1-1, the ball was pinging about all over the place and ended in the back of the net.

With 57 minutes on the clock were were, no sorry, should have been 2-1 down but the keeper somehow and I will never know how saved it when it well....he just did.

Not to out-do himself though, on 61 minutes he missed a standard cross into the box and we were 2-1 down...how I wished my 1st team keeper to super heal from his broken leg a few days before I arrived at the club...

Kick lumps and long ball over the top is the way to beat us, that's what some clubs do against us....2-1 defeat, gutted especially after going 1 up.

Seems like you're doing just fine mate!

Much better than my other saves eh Jer

A corner in the 2nd minute against 3rd placed Eastbourne Boro nearly saw us take the lead but a shot from the edge of the area was blocked and scrambled away.

The heavens opened up and so did the fouls on my players, and it was only a matter of time before we went 1 down. In all fairness it was a cracking move, but it was starting to concern me that if times became tough that fighting spirit I saw from the lads when I first took over was starting to ebb away.

3 minutes later and it should have been 2 but a clear cut chance was missed, but wait nope, the keeper was as always on form and dropped the ball into the back of the net, 2-0 down, he was really starting to piss me off.

With the players given a right dressing down they were sent out to 'sort it', let's see who was up for the fight.

Yeah right, sort it, pen inside the first 5 minutes and we were now 3 down, crisis time....teams had sussed us out.

A lifeline on 55 minutes with a goal from Green, his 19th of the season, showing me no matter how shite I thought my keeper was, there were other shite ones too.

Order restored on 74, another mistake by the keeper and we were at 4-1 down, at home, shipping goals in for fun....meeting time maybe with the players after this match.

With 7 minutes to go, another injury, why would ref's not protect my side? 4 minutes to go, Green's 20th goal of the season and 4-2 to the away side.

Hhhmmmmm it was time to tell the players I was not a happy bunny.

Perhaps next season you should focus on getting a decent goalkeeper ;P. Shame about the result as well.

Maybe Jer, but Scottish keepers...OMG!


1st February 2015

So a hit and miss month to the season just gone, seems a few clubs have got wise to the fact we are a little light-weight and intimidation and long ball beats us as the refs are also not strong enough at this level.

Still, another 5 games to play this month and we are sat in 14th place, 6 points above the drop zone which is great, but now 14 points off a play off place - not great.

Mega positive is Danny Green has signed a new contract, so that's my leading goalscorer with us for next season, and my fist 'pish' signing.

Gonna be a month of ups and downs I think.

Good story, great read. Interesting idea. Can't wait for more.

Thanks squirmy420 i am trying something a little different this time round and writing the match reports as I am watching the highlights and trying to add a little 'human' element to it. I know I switch the writing style from first person and the other type (forgot what its called lol). Just seeing how it goes, but thanks for the feedback.

Bromley away was the 1st game of the new month and what was looking like a 0-0 first half turned into a 1-0 lead for my side. A long ball into the box from a free-kick was met by Downer and a first goal of the season, i'd take that.....

Another first goal of the season, this time for striker Tashan Adeyinka on 68 minutes, finishing nicely from point blank range.

So a month of firsts, a first clean sheet of the month, a first win, and a couple of first goals of the season.

Whitehawk up next and they were sat in 8th place and should be a tricky away match.

By all account Whitehawk should be walking the league, to be honest, I never heard of them. They were 1/6 favorites to whop me and at 7th place they were well below the position they are expected to be.

This should be interesting then, well it should have been but my god what a boring match - the first thing of note was a shocking tackle that the ref missed 'again' and and injury to one of my central midfield lads. A shuffle of players and we were ready again, and on-wards with the bore 0-0 first half draw,

With the match nailed on for a 0-0 the ref wanted to give the home side every chance of nicking a win, sending off one of my centre halves....what a whanker of a ref, 2 minutes to grind the result out and then!!! well and then....my start striker gets hacked down and is carried off, no card, I'm starting to hate this level of football.

After the match I was told it was the end of the season for Green, he will miss the next 3 months of the season with a knee injury.

4th place Ebbsfleet was up next, and I wanted 3 points from this match.

Going into the match my 3 best players were out injured due to shocking tackles during the last few matches. Let's see what type of squad I have, it's a shame my keeper isn't injured as he was at his old games again, coming for a cross and missing it completely.....1-0 down and just 21 minutes on the clock.

I fecking hate my keeper with a passion, really, really do...I hope once I replace him never to see him ever again! 2-0 down.

Gutted for the rest of the players that this knobber keeps letting them down, 26 games he has played and 8 of his mistakes have led to goals...that's shocking! 30% of his goals let in are down to himself....that's bad!

11th placed Hayes & Yeading away from home next, and I have a feeling this is going to be a 1 win in 3 games now until the end of the season with the injuries.

Are football managers allowed to say OMG...well tuff. OMG, a free-kick lobbed into our box, the keeper punches clear and then from the 18 yard box Pritchard runs all the way and opens the scoring!!! 1-0 after 4 minutes....

5 minutes later another free kick and for once my keeper has no chance 1-1, a right volley from the edge of the box, this game had the makings of a classic. 31 on the clock, a long throw and Brown makes it 2-1 with another long range strike, 3 great goals already in the match.

Telling the players I was happy with them at half time, I pulled the keeper to one side and praised him for his assist from the start of the match, well I had to try and get some confidence in him, could we continue and gain all 3 points?

Only 2 minutes into the 2nd half and the home side and blind refing has caused another injury! This time attacking midfield player Pritchard was taken off, hopefully it was just a 'this match' injury.

Feck me keeper, my god! Again 2-2 with 51 minutes on the clock, why could he not just have 1 have decent game.

A minute later and a save from my keeper kept the scores level, 5 minutes later and the keeper should not have been beat from that angle and distance, 3-2 down I was getting sick of this and it also seemed the players were.

On 66 minutes their keeper showed me what I was missing with a great save to keep his side in the match, I screamed at my keeper 'that's fecking keeping, sort your shit out!"

Brown hit his 6th goal of the season to make it 3-3 on 82 minutes, it was a good job we could score goals....please god, make lightning shoot out the sky and strike my keeper....please....

Wealdstone were up next, sat in 8th place...let's see what shite keeping my lad pulls out the bag. The main keeper was out for a minimum of 4 weeks, so hopefully he will be back for the final month of the season....bye bye Sam Gray I was thinking!

And on the eve of the match, shit stirring, sick-note, injury plagued DJ shitty music Campbell opened a can of worms after demanding a team meeting saying my tactics sucked.



Well DJ, as soon as I can, your shite attitude will be out the door if anyone is stupid enough to allow you to take as much treatment time up as you do....what's it been again? Dead leg 6 days, broken shoulder 4 weeks, thigh strain 3 weeks, stubbed toe 9 days and currently been out for 9 weeks with a dislocated shoulder....you made out of plastic you soft get!!!!

With the board now siding with DJ I was on borrowed time, I needed results on the field...I would now find out which players were with me and which were not...Disappointed a 41% win ratio and just 6 defeats in 24 games meant I was under pressure due to a gob shite.

A lucky escape on 12 minutes when a direct free-kick beat my keeper and bounced off both posts before going out of play....phew....I am sure I saw DJ out of the corner of my eye nearly cheer...was that due to the fact the ball went out, or the fact they nearly scored...hmmmm

A first goal of the season for Bobby Behzadi had me out of my seat, 1-0 up and I turned to DJ, he was sat in his seat...he got the whanker sign from me, word were not needed for the feeling I had deep within my soul.

2 minutes into the 2nd half a long ball and it was 1-1, i was gutted but glad DJ missed the goal as he was still 'somewhere' inside the tunnel, most probably on the treatment table.

Leon Soloman went off injured on 53 minutes, and fingers crossed we would not fold due to the tough tackling that was incoming at the moment.

Stunning save by my lad on 67 minutes to keep us in the game, DJ jad took his seat...right, come on lads, I really wanted the win.

1-1 it finished, unlucky, all those words, gutted....bring on next month and hopefully a decent youth intake.