Laura's Story

I see my life as two separate pieces. The life I had before my walls came tumbling down, and the life I have now - where I'm left to waste in a pool of self-hatred. This is a life I find difficult. It continues to move forward solely because I wake up every morning, get out of bed and put on my best fake smile; pretending that everything is okay. My chest is heavy, my heart breaks and my head is empty. A constant feeling of nauseousness takes over my body. This never goes away. This is my life now.
This new life is not easy. I try to distract myself everyday and smile through the pain I feel. I give my heart to Max and I go to sleep, fooling him into thinking that I'm dreaming of whatever women dream of these days without a care or fear in the world. However, the reality is that I'm not sleeping. Instead I'm wallowing in self-hatred and guilt, wishing I could turn back the clock and prevented what had happened all those years ago and rid myself of this nagging pain that never leaves me.
My old life seems so foreign to me now. Even though I remember the times I shared with her, I know that I will never get that life back because Ella is no longer present on this earth and her death continues to haunt me. I stand, looking over at the waves that crash onto the beach, and watch my former life fade away over the horizon.
I shared ambitions for my future once. I had a degree, a job and a roof over my head. I was able to support myself financially and I was content with a small collection of friends, including Ella, in which I felt comfortable with and knew I could rely on. We had been friends since a young age and were the pillars in each others lives. I had Max and I was ready to begin a new life. Yet, my dreams changed forever. My life changed forever. In a matter of moments, the pillar in my life crumbled into a million pieces and everything tumbled to the ground.
I felt accountable for her death. I was accountable for her death. The guilt has never left me, despite the efforts of many in whom tried to convince me otherwise. I ignored them because I knew it was my fault. Ella's mental health was never perfect and she relied on me for support. I failed her. She tried to reach out to me and I wasn't there. All I was left with was numerous missed calls and a haunting voicemail left by my best-friend, who I neglected. A chilling voicemail which detailed her final goodbyes.
A wider group of people who knew her tried to comfort me, yet they never understood what I was truly experiencing. They seemed convinced they did, which frustrated me. They shared what they felt and the effect it had on them, but it was nothing on what I felt. At all. This was the greatest tragedy of my life and I had never, ever, had to experience anything like this before. I had no practice.
I was left with the false impression that her death would leave me devastated, but it would all peak at the funeral - oh how wrong was I.
What to do? How to move on without her? There are no answers to these questions. The only answers I have in my head are the responses to those posed in reference to the guilt I feel. Was it truly your fault? Yes. Could and should you have done more? Yes. This feeling just multiplies with time. Yet, time is often supposed to heal - like when you fall over and cut your knee. It never has. I am left with a mental scar.
I am in a constant fight. I'm in a boxing ring in a reoccurring fight that never ends, with nobody to throw in the towel for me - with nobody in my corner. I'm left taking the full brunt of each punch and every time I am knocked down, I stay down. Yet, I am somehow dragged to my feet and forced to take a further punch. It never ends. Punch after punch. When will it end? Will it ever end? This was my reality.
I forever wish I could turn back the clock and change what happened that fateful night. If I had not been so selfish and acknowledged her calls, Ella would still be here and I would not be facing the barrage of hatred and guilt I experience on a daily-basis. The seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, the weeks, the years... they all go by and I still have this lingering hatred distilled inside my head. A black cloud that follows me around.
There is very little to hold onto. What I do have, I treasure. I sometimes hold the photograph of us two together, smiling and enjoying life together and sob. It's all I can do because there is nothing else to feel anymore. I never realised the world could be so tragic. I never realised the pain she felt, or at least the extremity. I never realised she had the capacity to take her own life. She felt so low, in that moment, she felt it was necessary to end her life and I abandoned her in her time of need. Do I deserve to still be here?
I struggle to listen to the voicemail she left me. It's like torture to listen to. But I force myself to listen to it, from time-to-time, so I realise what I lost. The fear in her voice was evident. She was scared and terrified. I should have been there to save her. But I wasn't. I failed her and I can't forgive myself. I don't deserve the satisfaction of forgiveness. It brings great pain to me to hear the panic and the tears, but most of all the agony in every utterance.
Despite the happiness that Max brings me, I can never distract myself from the inner-battle I face for long. The feeling of happiness is brief. Sometimes I question how much longer this smile can hide the doubts that await behind it...
Replies
Maguire: He has certainly improved the stability of the club and has laid the foundations for the future. Next season could prove to be the season we really see what Max and this club are all about, we'll have to see!
Jack: Max is a driven-man who understands that to succeed, you have to never stop pushing yourself. If you wish to achieve the greatest accomplishments, you can't settle for perfection - you have to better it. That's the key, for him.
LFC: We'll have to see if that's the case. The recruitment will be just as important as last season.
Justice: The club have made a suitable call, personally. But you are right, Europe's elite won't be put off at all. If they see Kofler as their man - they'll do what they can to tempt him!