How I got the job
Tottenham Hotspur have widely been regarded as one of the up-and-coming superclubs from London. Well, it’s not as if we didn’t have plenty of them anyway – Chelsea, Arsenal, West Ham United (I joke! I joke!). But the appointment of Andre Villas-Boas (his parents must have lived in a huge house surrounded by giant snakes) signalled chairman Daniel Levy’s desire to bring attractive football and a winning mentality to the club.
Alas, by January, the plan backfired. Well, maybe not quite backfired. The plan exploded in Levy’s face like a stinkbomb from hell, leaving everything in the club feeling like shite. At this point, Levy basically called up Mr Villas-Boas and said to him, “Andre, I like your face. I like your eyes, I like your stubble. But mate, sadly, your management is rubble. So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
Mr Villas-Boas, unacquainted with British humour writers, initially understood this to be a joke and laughed. But when he turned up at White Hart Lane the next day, he found that they had changed the locks on the doors, and someone had left his things in a box in front of the gate. All of his prized possessions, including his voodoo dolls of John ‘I’m not racist, I just called him a n*****’ Terry, Fat Frank Lampard, and Ashley ‘I a dick but I am awesome so fuck you’ Cole. He almost didn't recognise the Roman Abramovich doll because it had so many pin holes in it. He was worried. But then he saw that they had also safely deposited his autographed portrait of Jose Mourinho and he breathed a sigh of relief. He got into his Maserati and drove away.
On January 12, with the team planted at the bottom on the league table, Levy announced the appointment of a new manager. Apparently, he was the only one who signed up for the job. The mysteriously named Pac Man has taken charge at Tottenham Hotspur. Will he succeed?