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Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Richard Hammond, of Top Gear, takes charge of Bolton.
Started on 1 August 2014 by squirmy420 / First Post
Latest Reply on 7 September 2014 by squirmy420 / Last Post
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@MCox93 Things have really clicked with Hamster for sure. I love getting May and Clarkson involved, expect to see one or both again!
destroy boro!

Clarkson: “Greetings, and welcome to our first ever Top Football presentation of a game in which we both hope Richard Hammond will lose. I’m Jeremy Clarkson, he’s James “the hair” May and our touchline reporter is… well… some say he’s actually part time owner of Barcelona football club, and that he’s afraid of garages, he’s the Stig!”

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James May and Jeremy Clarkson provide match commentary today.

May: “That’s right folks, Top Gear is taking a quick break in shooting our most recent season, to bring to you our first ever football commentary under the clever guise of Top Football! Tonight we have the stunning privilege of bringing to you a Championship match between our “old” mate Richard Hammond and his squad Bolton Wanderers, and their old manager in the form of Middlesbrough’s new manager Dougie Freedman.”

Clarkson: “Dougie Freedman was recently in the press, wasn’t he May?”

May: “Yes he was Jeremy. He recently held a press conference after taking charge of Boro, where he openly said his team should easily dispatch the Wanderers, as he knows almost the entire squad.”

Clarkson: “He sounds a bit confident doesn’t he? Did Hamster have anything to say?”

May: “No, but we have a picture of him trying to look a more mature football manager with some facial fungus we’d like to share with the audience. Personally, I think he looks like a tw***.”

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Clarkson: “HAhah! Now, May, you know you can’t say that. But I tend to agree with you, mate.”

May: “Bolton Wanderers are the home team today, we we’re coming to you live from Reebok stadium where it’s a lovely atmosphere, even with Hamster in charge, I must say.”

Clarkson: “According to the ticket count there’s about 16,000 people in the crowd today, not a bad crowd at all, and the noise isn’t deafening, which I like. It’s calmer than an Enzo in here.”

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Bolton and Boro warm up before kick-off.

May: “The starting line-ups today are about what I’d expect. Hammond is lining his men up in his unorthodox 4-1-1-3-1 tactic. Adam Bogdan in goal, Alex Baptiste, Tim Ream, David Wheater and Marc Tierney are the defenders, right to left. Jay Spearing, Franco “Zucu” Zuculini, and Andre Moritz make up the center. He’s got Lee Chung Young, the south Korean international out wide attacking on the right. The youngster Rob Hall out wide left, and of course, the top scorer in the league with 15 goals, David Ngog.”

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Clarkson: “He’s had a stellar season, eclipsing his previous season tally of 8 this early on. Hammond has done well with him, we have to admit. But they’ll be lined up against a Middlesbrough’s squad eager to prove themselves to new manager Dougie Freedman, who will be fired up to take something to the Bolton team that he was manager of just 5 short months ago.”

May: “He’s got a seriously talented team as well. He’ll be playing a 4-2(dm)-3-1 Jason Steele is a wall in the sticks, Justin Hoyte, Alessandro Nesta, Jonathan Woodgate, and George Friend make of Freedman’s back-line, right to left. He’s to defensive midfielders are Rhys Williams, and Richard Smallwood. Emmanuel Ledesma bring ups the center of the attacking midfield, with Marvin Emnes on the left and Albert Adomah on the right. Former rumored target of Hammonds, Lukas Jutkiewicz, plays the role of the lone striker for Dougie Freedman’s squad.”

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Clarkson: “Middlesbrough's key player is Australian international Rhys Williams, who will be hoping he can keep a lid on players like Andre Moritz and David Ngog in this match. They’ve been a deadly duo so far this season. Justin Hoyte will also have his work cut out for him dealing with Lee Chung Young.”

May: “There’s only a few moments left until kick, so lets go down to the touchlines where the Stig is waiting with Richard Hammond to discuss todays match. The Stig?”

Stig: “...............”

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Clarkson: “Of course, you’re right the stig, how rude of my college. Some say he doesn’t have a back to scratch, and that his left leg is actually a chainsaw, he’s the Stig!”

Stig: “...........”

Hammond: “You’re right Stig, this is going to be a tough ask. Dougie knows this side well, he built it, I’m molding it. I think it’s going to turn out a lot different than Freedman expects. He’s put a lot of his personal emotions into this match, and with it being his first in charge, I have a feeling he might have put too much on his lads. I have complete confidence in my lads to finish this game off late. If not in the opening moments.”

Stig: “.........”

May: “Thank you Stig. Now the lads are lining up for kick off. We certainly will have a match on our hands today!”

Clarkson: “Middlesbrough take the kick off and we’re off running here in Reebok Stadium.”

35 seconds

Clarkson: “George Friend takes the throw, tossing it to Ledesma on the left. He plays it one touch back to Friend who one touches it to Richard Smallwood. Smallwood holds up play for a few seconds, then plays a beauty of a ball deep into the center of midfield for Rhys Williams. Williams crushes a shot from long range and it’s a belter!”

May: “Oh cock! Adam Bogdan is there to make the stop. A simple save for a keeper of his quality, really.”

4mins 10 seconds

Clarkson: “Lee Chung Young lines up to take the corner on the righthand side. He hits the ball deep and Tim Ream beats Rhys Williams to the ball but he scuffs his header. The ball falls to David Wheater at the near post! He’s wide open!”

May: “Oh no! Alessandro Nesta’s foot beats him to the ball and clears it into touch. But Lee Chung Young is waiting on the line and one touch crosses back into the danger zone! Smallwood makes a shoddy clearance!”

Clarkson: “The ball falls to Zuculini in space. He picks his head up and threads the ball through traffic to Lee Chung Young, who takes a couple touches and hits a lovely effort towards the far post! But Steele is there to stop and the defense doesn’t let him it down. Coming up with a big clearance.”

20 mins 49 seconds

May: “Andre Moritz lines up the corner on the left. He hits a lovely driven effort towards the near post and David Wheater!”

Clarkson: “It’s gone high and wide, embarrassing really. That was a great chance for Hammond’s side to climb ahead.”

34 mins 59 seconds

Clarkson: “Andre Moritz looks to be the favorite to take the free kick. He’s left foot has been fairly deadly this year. He winds up, and strikes it up over the wall and it dips! Diving for the low left corner!”

May: “Oh my! How did Jason Steele manage to get to that. Not only that, he’s held it too! What a save! Bolton are going to have to be extra special to beat him today!”

40 mins 32 seconds

May: “Adomah picks up the ball deep inside his own half on the far side of the field. He has room to run, takes a few touches towards Marc Tierney, slips the ball inside to Rhys Williams. Williams takes a touch and threads a pass through to Ledesma, who bounces a one touch back out to the surging Adomah.”

Clarkson: “Adomah and Tierney are working their way down the far side flank. They’ve worked themselves into the corner, Tierney is really doing a good job corralling Adomah in the corner. But he works his way out and finds Richard Smallwood 45 yards out. Smallwood hits a one touch shot at the goal. Bogdan won’t reach it!”

May: “Alex Baptiste gets in the way! Heads it clear and to the feet of Andre Moritz. Bolton are back in control of the ball! What a moment here in Reebok stadium!”

Halftime

Clarkson: “Well, we’ve made it to halftime. It’s been a game with only a few chances so far. But it’s been gripping nonetheless. Our old mate, Hammond, has seen his squad test Jason Steele a few times but the boy is looking unbeatable. Whereas Adam Bogdan has had his defense to thank, they’ve really kept him safe so far, only allowing a couple of long range efforts.”

May: “I’m hoping this second half will produce some goals, I really would love to see Freedman put Hamster back in his place. However, I must say, the Wanderers really have been the better of the two sides and Jason Steele is the only reason the game is level.”

Clarkson: “We have Stig down on the sidelines with Dougie Freedman, Stig?”

Stig: “............”

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Dougie: “We’ve played well so far. Jason Steele has been solid for us. However we’ve allowed them much of the ball and too many chances. I’m worried Steele won’t be able to keep them at bay forever, but if we manage to put one of our long range efforts into the goal… We can turn this stadium on it’s head.”

Stig: “..........”

May: “Thank you, stig. Sounds like no change in tactics for Freedman. Time to settle down for the 2nd half as Bolton’s players are leaving the tunnel and getting ready for the kick off.”

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Clarkson: “I’ve really enjoyed this so far, mate. Looking forward to the second half.”

May: “Bolton take the kick off, however, Franco Zuculini has the ball stolen from him by Ledesma, who takes off running for the heart of the Bolton back four. Jay Spearing, however, comes clattering into him and brings him down. He receives a yellow card for a sporting foul. Bad start for the trotters.”

49 minutes 10 seconds

May: “Ledesma gets ready to take the corner from the far side. He lofts the ball in towards the near post. Lee Chung Young is there first, hoofing the ball clear. And what a clearance it is, the two center backs are off in a race with David Ngog.”

Clarkson: “Ngog looks set to beat them to the ball. Outcomes Jason Steele to to take a touch outside his box and make a clearance. It’s a bad clearance though, falling right to the feet o Lee Chung Young.”

May: “The little South Korean makes a lovely run down the right, beating the winger with speed and the closing center back with skill. He takes it towards the corner. And hits in the cross.”

Clarkson: “Ngog is there to tuck it home past Jason Steele and the near post into the goal! He’s scored his 16th goal with a great finish there!”

May: “What a great cross too. Lee Chung Young coming up big for Bolton again this season as he started and finished the play.”

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Ngog tucks in the first goal of the game.

74 mins 59 seconds

Clarkson: “Jay Spearing wins the ball high up the pitch, and looks to pay the ball forward. He lofts a wonderful ball to Rob Hall on the left wing. Hall beats his defender! He turns back, and plays Darren Pratley in.”

May: “Pratley turns, avoids a sliding challenge, plays the ball back out to Zuculini. Zuculini has an effort! It looks to be going wide, but it bounces off the chest of a defender and falls to Ngog. Ngog is slide, the ball bounces free! It’s free in the 6 yard box! Lee Chung Young is the first too it and he beats the keeper! Bolton are 2-0 up in the 76th minute! What a moment for Hammond and his squad.”

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Lee gets to the loose ball first and taps it in.

Clarkson: “He’s done it, Lee has put Hammonds Trotters 2-0 up. What an effort, what a goal. Hammond looks like he’s making some tactical changes, parking the bus.”

91 mins and 51 seconds

May: “Jason Steele takes a freekick, deep in his own half. He winds up, and lofts a long ball towards Jacob Butterfield, the sub. Marc Tierney misjudges the ball! The ball bounces once behind Tierney and Butterfield picks it up, through on the keeper. No one is there to stop him as he rips it past the sprawling Adam Bogdan and into the net for a goal! Do Boro have enough to tie it up?”

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Butterfields effort is too little, too late but at least it gives the home fans something to cheer.

Clarkson: “Noooope! The ref blows the whistle, it’s too little too late for Freedman and his struggling side. Hammond continues his wonderful start to the season. This is getting annoying.”

May: “I certainly agree, Jeremy. It’s rather annoying.”

Clarkson: “Anyways, thanks for joining our first edition of Top Football! We hope to see you again soon. We sure had fun.”

May: “We sure did. Even if Hamster won again….”

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Next Months Fixtures

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Another long month for the Wanderers to start the new year off. With another Cup game Vs Millwall and another cup tie with Arsenal, Bolton will be tested.
Very good, detailed update with the presenters of my favourite TV programme :P
And a nice result as well!
2
Very, very detailed. :) Love it <3
great update, the stig was amazing on the touchline
Brilliant update, really nice idea!
Great update lad, not a bad month either
Yes Stig!
Epic update!

Authors Note


This story will be coming back! I swear it! Life just caught up to me recently, work injuries, having to move and a bunch of stuff piled up. Hopefully by the beginning of October I should have an update ready to go!

Authors Note


This story will be coming back! I swear it! Life just caught up to me recently, work injuries, having to move and a bunch of stuff piled up. Hopefully by the beginning of October I should have an update ready to go!

You are reading "Not All Who Wander Are Lost".

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