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Borat: Management In Football To Make Benefit Glorious Nation Kazakhstan

Started on 19 August 2014 by qwertyman
Latest Reply on 1 September 2014 by qwertyman
  • POSTS51
  • VIEWS15981

Германй - Germany

I am here in Germany to manage Kazakhstan against the German team. But first, for the draw against Sweden, I take my team to a festival, where I take players to a festival called Oktoberfest. I guess that we drink lots of a drink called 'Oktober'.

"Wie viele Biere wurden Sie heute gerne?" said this man, apparently called Klaus.

"What do I sa..." "Sprechen Sie kasachisen?"

"Nein. Niemand spricht kasachise."

"What does that mean?"

"Ah, you speak English!. How many beers vould you like?"

"I need an 'Oktober'."

"This is your first time in Germany, ya?"

"Yes, but Kazakhstan likes your country."


"You kill Jews, yes?"

"Ve don't do that any more, we like the yews now."

"Hahahaha. That is a joke, yes?"



"I'm not yoking."

"We must leave now."

Even though it is Germany, and Germany are good, people still say that we gave Germany a mouth party. This is wrong. We played well. 3-0 is not that bad. We will now go back to Kazakhstan to play a province of Germany, called "Austria".

MrJK, it is great you feel that way. I like you. Is nice!
Aha, this story :') .
We need to start winning. I can't stand having close games any more.

Joe, please take time to go to Kazakhstan. You will get free stuff.

??? ????????? ??????? - The Assistant Manager

My assistant manager is called Peter den Otter. He was at the team before me. We managed to get along well, he told me how good the players were, and what staff I should get. I have now got a team of English coaches.

"Peter, how will be beat the Mongrels?" I said.

"Just play how we did against Shweden. I am confident."

"What, that slow possession thing?"

"Yesh, it worked against Shweden and Shudan, and it will work againsht Mongolia."

"Great! How do you know so much about football?"

"I played football for my village back in Holland."

"Very nice! Were you good?"

"I was the besht. Not bad for me, eshpecially that my dad wash a gypshy."

"You're a gypsy?"


Peter den Otter sacked
Dutch Peter den Otter has been sacked by manager Borat Sagdiyev. He will no longer be assistant manager of the national team of Kazakhstan.

Early sources say that den Otter and Sagdiyev were involved in an argument which resulted in his sacking.

Apparently, John Bosman of the Ajax B team has been approached to succeed den Otter as assistant manager of Kazakhstan. He wont be able to attend Kazakhstan's match against Mongolia later today.
Oh my f'ing god this is the best thing I've ever read!
In response to your question, I work for Vauxhall. I'm not sure if any of them will help. :))
qwertyman's avatar Group qwertyman
9 yearsEdited
Wow. The gypsy told me to play it slow and keep the ball. We should have won by lots. We won by one.

I have another match soon, first against India, then Guam. What is Guam?

JDM, is that a Porto badge?! Wa-Wa-Wee-Wa!!! February 15th is National Porto Day in Kazakhstan! They came here and Shaktar Karagandy beat them on that very day in 1974!

510, Vauxhall?! You make cars?! Come over to Astana, you need to make travel easy here in Kazakhstan! The 4 cars in this city run on liquid pubictarium, it could be useful for you.
It is just India. Mark Gorman keeps on making mistakes in defence, and then one of the 6 players called Singh score 2 goals.

Now, we wait 3 months to play the Guam. I do not know what Guam is, could somebody please tell me?
Well, I don't make the cars, I sort of tell people the mechanics of them. Not the most interesting job. :P
Also, this is hilarious! Great way of writing updates. :P
National Porto day sounds cool. As long as there are no Jews! #BoratLogic
Reporter David Thomson of the BBC reveals what happened when Peter den Otter was sacked by Borat Sagdiyev, and why den Otter's assault accusations wont result in a charge of Sagdiyev.

On the day before Kazakhstan's 2-1 win against Mongolia, den Otter and Sagdiyev were talking about tactics, and Sagdiyev was reportedly impressed by den Otter's tactical knowledge.

After Sagdiyev asked him about how he 'knew so much' about football, he admitted that his family originally came from the travelling community. Unknown to den Otter, members of the travelling community are discriminated against in Kazakhstan.

According to physio Grigory Topkin, Sagdiyev then told him to exit the office before he picked up his telephone and threw it at den Otter. den Otter then left the room with Sagdiyev chasing him. Sagdiyev was picking up everything that he could find and then threw it at den Otter. As den Otter left the building, Sagdiyev threw a large stone which hit den Otter, breaking his nose. Sagdiyev then picked up a branch that had fallen off a tree and beat den Otter.

When Sagdiyev stopped he kicked him in the head and shouted "????? ?????" which translates into "You're Fired".

John Bosman of Jong Ajax has replaced him, and his first match as assistant manager was against India, which was won 3-2 by Kazakhstan.

den Otter did press charges of assault, but because of his upbringing, he will not be allowed to enter Kazakhstan again.

??????? ?????
The gypsy is gone! I don't see why he is complaining, he shouldn't have come here. Ever.

510, what do you make of Kazakh cars? I can give you picture of mine:

JDM, we don't have Jews where I am from. We keep them locked in Jewtown. Don't worry! No Jews very nice!
Wow, that's a beautiful car! One horsepower engine. :P
We give the Guam bung-bung-bung in the anoos! Their one goal was own goal, by our 'best player' Heinrich. But still, a new tactic made by John is good enough to work against India and the Guam.

Also, we now have group for Euro 2016 qualifiers:

510, in Kazakhstan, we say the car has 10 Jewpower. Our cars are advanced, yes?
"Ten Jewpower" OMFG

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