The pursuit of happiness
All of my life I've known that I wasn't cut out for an average life with average life goals, I've always wanted to be the best at everything I do and that isn't something which has ever wavered. I had quite a rough upbringing which really should've indicated that I'd go down the down and out route but as yet, that hasn't happened! Thankfully. I guess things started to go wrong for me really early in life, from as young an age as two. It was at the age of two when my parents got a divorce and I experienced a huge life changing event. I was two and my sisters Sarah and Holly were slightly older, ten and five, obviously as I was the youngest I was completely oblivious to what was going on at the time. Being oblivious to the goings on of the divorce at the time may have helped me at two years old but on the flip side to that, I missed that family togetherness completely because I was too young to have any memories from that period of my life. In a way that makes me jealous of my sisters because they saw my mum and dad together and have some good memories of that. Then both my parents ended up in violent relationships with other partners which made home life a very traumatic place for myself and my sisters. Needless to say I wasn't a happy child but in spite of that I've turned out happy enough, I think. I wish I could find myself a good girlfriend to settle down with my own family and create a loving environment for them that I never had. So.. Perhaps not the happiest but I want to be happy, it's just hard to do when you always have a little black cloud hanging over you.
I'm so through with struggling with life, no matter what I do I always, always end up back in this dark place and can't get myself out. I wish I was as self centred as everyone else I know, maybe, just maybe then I'd be *bleep*ing happy for once. I see people with no morals or care for anyone in the world achieving everything I've ever wanted in life and it kills me. I’ve been working in rubbish jobs since I was first employed in a clothes shop at seventeen. I struggle picking a good girlfriend so badly that it’d be laughable if it wasn’t so damn pathetic! I mean, life isn’t all bad, I have a great family, despite my childhood nothing's changed there, and love my mum, dad and two sisters to pieces but it’s fair to say I’m the underachiever of the family. The lazy one, the nice one and ultimately the one who doesn’t seem to be going anywhere in life. That is hard to deal with, when everyone around you has their life on track and you are still trying to figure things out. I’ve gotten to the point where I hate everyone and everything nowadays which is actually a really lonely place to be. Yet I know this isn't a permanent feeling, things will change. Now that I've got these coaching badges behind me surely I can make something of myself if only someone would hurry up and give me a chance.