What if Joey Barton retired prematurely from professional football?
What if Joey Barton became a manager?
What if Joey Barton became a manager?
2 July 2011
With the curtains of the 2010-11 season closed, a shock announcement is made as long-serving Everton manager David Moyes has resigned after a heated argument with the chairman Bill Kenwright. Kenwright is known to be desperate to find a new manager before the end of the month.3 July 2011
Joey Barton has announced his early retirement from professional football.5 July 2011
Joey Barton has been surprisingly appointed as the new Everton manager after Bill Kenwright claimed the shamed footballer showed an interest in the job. Skepticism meets the announcement as Everton fans are unsure how to respond to the former Newcastle man taking the reins of their beloved club in his first management job, just two days after announcing his retirement from football.5 July 2011
Joey Barton has closed his Twitter account.#64339 Glenn T : Joey Barton has closed his Twitter account.Love it!
Now keep in character. I want to see Bartonistic behaviour from your manager. There has to be a lot of fighting with the squad and stuff. It will make for an interesting story.
I will be writing in Joey Barton's point of view, and I will be doing so for the rest of this story until I say otherwise.
I was distressed. I didn't really mean to get in that bar brawl. It's just that my short temper got the better of me. Again. One of those cunts had called me a short wanker.
Football was my life, and probably every professional footballer's life as well. To learn I had been banned for five years was, well, very depressing. But once I heard that the FA wouldn't disallow me going into management, I decided to do so. I just needed to get into that sport again. I can't stand being away from football, which is understandable since I'm only 28.
So of course, once I was presented with the opportunity in the form of Everton, I immediately met up with Bill Kenwright and told him of my interest to take the reins. He wasn't so keen, but we knew each other pretty well. Bill was the chairman when I came through the youth academy at Everton. He knew that Everton was the club I supported and how much I loved the Toffees. Eventually, his desperation to appoint a manager as quickly as possible led to me going to his office the next day and thrashing out a managerial contract. I was unveiled as Everton manager the very next day.
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I was distressed. I didn't really mean to get in that bar brawl. It's just that my short temper got the better of me. Again. One of those cunts had called me a short wanker.
Football was my life, and probably every professional footballer's life as well. To learn I had been banned for five years was, well, very depressing. But once I heard that the FA wouldn't disallow me going into management, I decided to do so. I just needed to get into that sport again. I can't stand being away from football, which is understandable since I'm only 28.
So of course, once I was presented with the opportunity in the form of Everton, I immediately met up with Bill Kenwright and told him of my interest to take the reins. He wasn't so keen, but we knew each other pretty well. Bill was the chairman when I came through the youth academy at Everton. He knew that Everton was the club I supported and how much I loved the Toffees. Eventually, his desperation to appoint a manager as quickly as possible led to me going to his office the next day and thrashing out a managerial contract. I was unveiled as Everton manager the very next day.
Author's Note: The tactics I'll be using are the traditional 4-4-2, a bit of 4-2-3-1, and a bit of downloaded tactics because I just want to try them out. However, I will NOT be using the Grid Tactic. One such tactic will be The Goal Hunger, which really interests me.
I watched the news in my new office at Goodison Park.
"Breaking news reported live on Merseyside, Mr. Joey Barton, the new manager of Everton has reportedly held a meeting with the backroom staff at Everton and told a majority of them to 'get the f**k out of my club'..."
That wasn't true... well part of that was maybe. The staff whom I sacked were incompetent, and if we were to be challenging for honors I feel that these staff had to go and replaced by better ones. I had observed my old manager Alan Pardew and learnt a thing or two from the gaffer.
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I watched the news in my new office at Goodison Park.
"Breaking news reported live on Merseyside, Mr. Joey Barton, the new manager of Everton has reportedly held a meeting with the backroom staff at Everton and told a majority of them to 'get the f**k out of my club'..."
That wasn't true... well part of that was maybe. The staff whom I sacked were incompetent, and if we were to be challenging for honors I feel that these staff had to go and replaced by better ones. I had observed my old manager Alan Pardew and learnt a thing or two from the gaffer.
After looking through the calendar where my predecessor David Moyes had marked all the days where Everton had a match, which was pretty helpful, I saw that my first Everton match would be the second leg of the Europa League Qualifying against Cliftonville. David had overseen the first leg which Everton won 2-0. Now I just needed to finish the job.
Bill called a press conference on the request of the media early in the morning, who wanted to interview me about my new job at Everton. I didn't like to speak to the press. They were all rumor-grabbing right cunts who would believe and publish anything. But I went with Bill's wishes and attended the press conference dressed in my best Sunday attire.
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"The facilities at this club are fantastic, are you excited about the opportunity to work in such an environment?" A journalist from Football365.com kicked off the press conference.
"What really matters is what goes on inside," I replied candidly.
"You sacked a majority of the backroom staff on your first day at the club. Why is that so?" One of the journalists representing the Guardian asked.
"Well, I did not think their coaching ability lived up to my expectations and so the sack they had to faced," I said coolly. This drew weird expressions from the crowd assembled at the press conference and I think I even heard a snort.
"How do you see your leadership style and how are you planning to communicate with your team?" The journalist representing BBC Merseyside asked.
"I don't think it's appropriate to discuss internal policies, besides I haven't met my team yet," I shrugged. This drew more weird faces from the crowd. "Would you all hurry up and get on with this?" I asked, feeling annoyed. I was going to meet the squad later on the training ground.
"What can we expect from you in the transfer market, Mr. Barton?"
"Signings," I shot the journalist a look. "Obviously."
The journalist seemed intimidated. He retreated into the crowd.
"What would you say is your tactical approach to the game?"
"Entertainment," I said. "Football is all about entertainment."
"Do you really think it was a good idea to get back into football as a manager just a few days after being banned and retiring from professional football?" I swung my gaze towards the journalist who had just asked the question, and saw that it was someone from the Daily Post. I almost gave him a snarl, but restrained myself.
"Why not?" I simply replied.
"What make you decide to sign on at Everton?"
"My passion for football," I said honestly. "It just doesn't seem right being forced to retire from football completely at 28. Managing was always a certainty."
Finally, the press conference ended and I exited. I couldn't be arsed to change my suit although I knew it would probably be a hot morning, and headed straight for the training ground to meet up with the squad I'd inherited.
Bill called a press conference on the request of the media early in the morning, who wanted to interview me about my new job at Everton. I didn't like to speak to the press. They were all rumor-grabbing right cunts who would believe and publish anything. But I went with Bill's wishes and attended the press conference dressed in my best Sunday attire.
"The facilities at this club are fantastic, are you excited about the opportunity to work in such an environment?" A journalist from Football365.com kicked off the press conference.
"What really matters is what goes on inside," I replied candidly.
"You sacked a majority of the backroom staff on your first day at the club. Why is that so?" One of the journalists representing the Guardian asked.
"Well, I did not think their coaching ability lived up to my expectations and so the sack they had to faced," I said coolly. This drew weird expressions from the crowd assembled at the press conference and I think I even heard a snort.
"How do you see your leadership style and how are you planning to communicate with your team?" The journalist representing BBC Merseyside asked.
"I don't think it's appropriate to discuss internal policies, besides I haven't met my team yet," I shrugged. This drew more weird faces from the crowd. "Would you all hurry up and get on with this?" I asked, feeling annoyed. I was going to meet the squad later on the training ground.
"What can we expect from you in the transfer market, Mr. Barton?"
"Signings," I shot the journalist a look. "Obviously."
The journalist seemed intimidated. He retreated into the crowd.
"What would you say is your tactical approach to the game?"
"Entertainment," I said. "Football is all about entertainment."
"Do you really think it was a good idea to get back into football as a manager just a few days after being banned and retiring from professional football?" I swung my gaze towards the journalist who had just asked the question, and saw that it was someone from the Daily Post. I almost gave him a snarl, but restrained myself.
"Why not?" I simply replied.
"What make you decide to sign on at Everton?"
"My passion for football," I said honestly. "It just doesn't seem right being forced to retire from football completely at 28. Managing was always a certainty."
Finally, the press conference ended and I exited. I couldn't be arsed to change my suit although I knew it would probably be a hot morning, and headed straight for the training ground to meet up with the squad I'd inherited.
It was a long morning where I introduced myself to the squad personally, although most of them already knew who I was seeing as how I played against most of them while at Newcastle. Some of the players were skeptical, like the fans, but I'm certain I can soon win them over.
My policy at Everton will be, if players didn't want to stay, they would leave, even if they were one of the star players here. Also, your team status would be equal to everyone else in the team. A veteran player who had served the club for 10 years, would be treated the same as a youngster who just came in through the academy. If I didn't want you at the club, you had to get out, and if not, stay with the Reserves. It sounded pretty harsh but the Everton team took it in positively when I told them, although some of them looked surprised at how... less aggressive my true personality was.
Transfer-wise, I am looking to get a left-back as backup to Leighton Baines, a right winger to back up new signing Steven Naismith, as well as maybe a striker.
Tony Hibbert, Leon Osman and Victor Anichebe will be sold, as I begin my Everton revolution.
My policy at Everton will be, if players didn't want to stay, they would leave, even if they were one of the star players here. Also, your team status would be equal to everyone else in the team. A veteran player who had served the club for 10 years, would be treated the same as a youngster who just came in through the academy. If I didn't want you at the club, you had to get out, and if not, stay with the Reserves. It sounded pretty harsh but the Everton team took it in positively when I told them, although some of them looked surprised at how... less aggressive my true personality was.
Transfer-wise, I am looking to get a left-back as backup to Leighton Baines, a right winger to back up new signing Steven Naismith, as well as maybe a striker.
Tony Hibbert, Leon Osman and Victor Anichebe will be sold, as I begin my Everton revolution.
Interesting. I'd love if you could make him talk in English slang, but that would be too difficult 
The Debut of Joey Barton
It felt fitting having my debut as Everton manager at home in Goodison Park. I was facing a relatively unknown side, Cliftonville, which I believe is from the Ireland league. I didn't know who the manager was, but I accepted his handshake anyway. I went over to the touchline and took a seat. This was going to be an interesting match.
Kickoff! We started the match, beginning the better side as good link-up play between the young Greek striker in our squad today, Apostolos Vellios, and Nikica Jelavic allowed Jelavic to fire a shot at the Cliftonville keeper, only for him to punch the ball away for a corner.
Our first goal came early as the Belgian star of our team, Marouane Fellaini played a through ball into the box, releasing Steven Naismith who fired at the keeper, who blocked the shot. However, the Scot pounced on the rebound to score an easy goal, causing the Everton fans to cheer and give applause to the new signing.
Solid play by my two full-backs, Neville and Baines, let the ball find Steven Pienaar, who scored a stunner from just outside the box to make it 2-0. Everton were cruising!
The next goal came from Phil Jagielka, scoring a rebound header from a Leighton Baines corner. All this, and we were only at the 14-minute mark.
A push on Phil Neville saw Cliftonville's Peter Maguire sent off. The Cliftonville players surrounded the ref and even the Cliftonville manager leaped off his seat to yell at the ref. I could make out a few insults in an Irish accent. Even I thought the red card was a bit harsh.
Half-time approached, but not before a header from Fellaini found Vellios, who beat the off-side trap and scored a one-on-one with the keeper, making it 4-0.
As the Everton players retreated to the dressing room, feeling refreshed, I assumed the half-time team talk.
"You boys are doing mighty fine," I said, very pleased. "These goals you score will boost our confidence for the upcoming campaign. So get your arses out there and score us some more!"
My talk seemed to have lifted the players' high spirits even higher, as they got back out to the field against Cliftonville.
Phil Jagielka attempted a header again from a corner, but this time it was blocked. However it was no problem for him to score a simple tap-in as the ball avoided the defenders flinging themselves onto the English defender and went straight into the net.
The next goal also came from the English international, as he scored a header again to round off his amazing hat trick.
Steven Naismith scored next, with the Scot being fed with a superb early cross by Leighton Baines, and then volleying into the left side of the net, a shot even the famed Iker Casillas could not handle.
Pienaar benefited from a small cross by Greek wonderkid Vellios, the South African heading easily into the net to round off his second goal.
Phil Jagielka scored his fourth goal of the night, an amazing tally, in dazzling fashion as he performed a slide to hit the ball into the net with both feet from... yet another corner!
Steven Pienaar scored his third goal from a Darron Gibson cross to round off his hat trick and the rout.
The match ended 10-0, with Phil Jagielka scoring 4 goals, Steven Naismith scoring 2 goals, Steven Pienaar scoring 3, and Vellios scoring once. A wonderful debut.
Was it a competitive match or a friendly? 10-0 for a competitive match would have been ridiculous. But you say it's a Northern Irish team, so it was probably a friendly.
#64360 Gurdit : Was it a competitive match or a friendly? 10-0 for a competitive match would have been ridiculous. But you say it's a Northern Irish team, so it was probably a friendly.
It was a Europa League qualifying match... we won 12-0 on aggregate. The first leg was won 2-0 and was played before I joined the game.
Fantastic story so far! The idea to have Joey Barton as Everton manager is fantastic.
1
Just two days into my tenure as Everton manager, I have completed my staff overhaul, bringing in new staff to replace the trash that went out. Hopefully they'll take my players to better standards.
I will be looking to get more scouts as I feel I am short at that area at the moment. However, now my staff overhaul is completed, it's probably time to move on to the players.
Tony Hibbert is discussing a one-year loan deal with Wolves, while Victor Anichebe is discussing a one-year loan deal with Stoke City. Leon Osman has had the most interest with Nottingham Forest, Queens Park Rangers, as well as Southampton all showing strong interest in him. With all three clubs submitting accepted 3 million bids, it looks like these players, whom had played for Everton for their entire career, will leave very soon.
I am meanwhile looking to strengthen my own side. A couple of left-backs have been scouted and formal transfer offers have been made for free agents Craig Gordon as well as the infamous Emile Heskey. A 4 million offer for Emmanuel Adebayor of Manchester City is also on the cards.
With the transfer of Jack Rodwell to Manchester City completed just a day or two before my arrival at the club, I feel I need some quality in my midfield as I don't really rate Darron Gibson. A left-back is also another crucial position we have to fill with our only natural left-back being Leighton Baines. I am also in the market for a right winger to provide back up to Steven Naismith.
I will be looking to get more scouts as I feel I am short at that area at the moment. However, now my staff overhaul is completed, it's probably time to move on to the players.
Tony Hibbert is discussing a one-year loan deal with Wolves, while Victor Anichebe is discussing a one-year loan deal with Stoke City. Leon Osman has had the most interest with Nottingham Forest, Queens Park Rangers, as well as Southampton all showing strong interest in him. With all three clubs submitting accepted 3 million bids, it looks like these players, whom had played for Everton for their entire career, will leave very soon.
I am meanwhile looking to strengthen my own side. A couple of left-backs have been scouted and formal transfer offers have been made for free agents Craig Gordon as well as the infamous Emile Heskey. A 4 million offer for Emmanuel Adebayor of Manchester City is also on the cards.
With the transfer of Jack Rodwell to Manchester City completed just a day or two before my arrival at the club, I feel I need some quality in my midfield as I don't really rate Darron Gibson. A left-back is also another crucial position we have to fill with our only natural left-back being Leighton Baines. I am also in the market for a right winger to provide back up to Steven Naismith.
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