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A Bolt From The Blue

Football has never been faster!
Started on 10 July 2013 by Ziechael
Latest Reply on 16 August 2013 by Nathaniel
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Ziechael's avatar Group Ziechael
10 yearsEdited

June 12th 2012

World's Fastest Scammer?

It has been revealed today that Usain Bolt was the mastermind behind the recent tax loophole scandal which has seen millions of British tax payers pounds being used as part of a government incentive off the back of a cleverly worked plan that exploited the tax relief deal.

Bolt (25), an Olympic legend, was accused of using his sporting and celebrity connections to run the scheme turned scam in an attempt to avoid playing millions in taxes.

The £264m construction scheme whose investors include the England manager, Roy Hodgson, and other celebrities does not have a single tenant signed up, more than two years after a controversial tax relief deal was struck, the Daily Mail can reveal.

Margaret Hodge, chair of the Commons public accounts committee, said the lack of tenants for two data centres on the Cobalt business estate near Newcastle fuelled the perception that the scheme was aimed at tax avoidance. She said the enterprise zones that had enabled the tax relief should have been about job creation, not exploited by "greedy individuals".

Hodgson, Arsenal's manager, Arsène Wenger, and the Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney were among those who collectively invested to buy the buildings – which house computer servers – in April 2011, receiving tax relief at the then 50% top rate. The scheme took advantage of generous tax reliefs for building projects in enterprise zones before they were abolished in April 2011 and replaced with different allowances. The project's marketing brochure promised a £1.66 "cash flow benefit" from HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) for every £1 put in by investors.

The involvement of Hodgson, Wenger, Rooney and the comedian Jimmy Carr was exposed when the Cobalt deal was signed. The Guardian can reveal that the Everton players Marouane Fellaini, Nikica Jelavic and Sylvain Distin also invested, along with Arsenal's Mikel Arteta and Leon Angel, agent for Hodgson and Wenger.

Prior to sentencing later this year, Bolt has had all of his assets frozen and has received a temporary ban from Athletics until the matter is resolved by the courts.
I did not expect this. This was a real bolt from the blue!
HAHA Good start mate.

Disgraced Sprinter Call Press Conference

Journalist 1
Journalist 2
Journalist 3

"Hello and thanks for coming, I wanted to call this conference to discuss the recent allegations made against me."

"Mr Bolt, Dan Green, Daily Mail. Reports suggest there is solid evidence against you, do you fear a prison sentence?"

"No Dan, I don't. I'm an innocent man who has done nothing wrong. I attempted to help fund a building project in a country I love along with some friends of mine and that is the end of it, any wrong doing was on the part of the British Government who proposed this tax break and then decided to punish people who made use of it."

"So you freely admit to being part of the scam?"

"Scam is the wrong word entirely, there was never a scam but I freely admit to being part of the project which was aimed at rejuvenating a deprived area. Next question please?"

"Hi, Alan Andrews, TalkSport. So with your assets frozen and a ban from the IAAF what do you plan to do next?"

"Good question Alan, I've decided to go home to Jamaica and get a job."

"That's going to be a big change of pace, what did you have in mind?"

"For a while now I've been considering a change of direction, this has only pushed the time scale up a bit. It's well known that I have a great passion for football so I've decided that it is time for me to look into management options, and where better to start than Jamaica."

"Wow, that is big news!"

"I know right. Next?"

"Usain, Debbie Martin, The Sun. Do you really think you have what it takes to break into football management, after all, no disrespect but you are just a sprinter…?"

"I think it is well documented Debbie that there is nothing I can't do… some call me arrogant but I call it talent. I've been in touch with a team back home and they are fully prepared to give me a shot at management, I just wish I could be a player manager but sadly that just isn't an option right now."

"Player manager? That would be interesting, why can't you do that?"

"The ban from the IAAF is pretty extensive, I apparently can't partake in anything that involves running to make money… with that in mind I could barely manage to be a goal keeper unless I played a couple of permanent sweepers to cover the box… Hmm… No, can't do it."

"Hi, Alan again, could you tell us which team you are going to be taking over and when?"

"I'm afraid not Alan, you'll find out soon enough… I'm starting as soon as I get back but I can give you a clue if you like…"

"Please do…"

"Since my most local team dropped out of the top flight last season I'm heading round the coast a little bit… That's all I can say sorry."


"Sorry, that's all for today. Thanks for coming."
Nice so far ziech!
This is really clever good start :)

An excerpt from the autobiography of Usain Bolt published August 2025

It was a hot day when I stepped off the plane at Sangster International Airport, it was always a hot day in Jamaica. Having spent the past few years touring the world, predominantly in Europe, I had forgotten just how hot, but how beautiful my home nation was.

As the plane had descended through the clouds towards the runway Jamaica shone like a emerald in the ocean. Lush and green, although a little mucky around the edges, I felt those first pangs of excitement that I always had when returning 'home'.

Having grown up in Trelawny Parish, not far from Falmouth, I had made the conscious choice to fly into Montego Bay. While it made sense since my new job was there I did it primarily for the view of Trelawny as you make the final descent. Seeing the hills and fields where I spent so many months and years running and playing as a child really helped me come to terms with my new lot in life.

Falsely accused of deliberately evading tax, I had decided to take a new direction and follow my other passion in life, football. Using my fame, since wealth was no longer an option, I'd contacted teams back home for a chance at managing. It would have been nice to start at Village United, my local team as a boy, but unfortunately they had been relegated last season and it simply wouldn't do for a man of my ability to start anywhere but the top division.

And so it was Montego Bay United who gave me my chance. Just round the coast from my home territory it was a team I'd admired begrudgingly as a child and now I would have a chance to make them mine, life is funny like that sometimes. Having been a Manchester United fan for a long time, that would be my ultimate goal. I'm the fastest man alive, could I also be the fastest man to ever reach the top of the football management profession?

My family were there to meet me as I exited the airport, they knew I was innocent but they were so pleased to see me home, and that I would be staying for a while, that they didn't care about the reasons for it. That's the beauty of family, they know you, not judge you.

It's good to be home!
This is a great plot and a brilliant way of putting Usain Bolt into football management! Will definately be following :D
2013-07-10 18:08#119203 Louis O. : I did not expect this. This was a real bolt from the blue!
I felt it was time to do an actual story :)

2013-07-10 20:44#119243 wellsy1498 : HAHA Good start mate.
Cheers, I just hope i can stick with it long enough to make it interesting!

2013-07-11 01:27#119280 Nathaniel : Nice so far ziech!
Thanks mate, I might even try and work Bobby Charlton in there somewhere ;)

2013-07-11 08:14#119314 lwalter66 : This is a great plot and a brilliant way of putting Usain Bolt into football management! Will definately be following :D
Thanks very much, as long as one person is following i'll keep it going :)
I like the writing and the story.

Keep going.,

Homeward Bound

Usain Bolt arrived in Jamaica today to start his new career as a football manager. Would he be as successful at this as he was at athletics? Only time would tell, one thing is for certain though:

Football is a marathon, not a sprint.

As a man known primarily for his self-confidence and speed, would Bolt be able to slow himself down enough to take charge of a season full of football and would his man management skills be up to task?

We caught up to the man himself as he arrived back at his home village prior to heading to Montego Bay to start his new job.

He gave us this interview before enjoying some training practice with the locals:

Sir Alex might not be wishing he had given Bolt a trial off the back of this performance but I'm sure he'll be certainly watching his career with interest, who knows, one day Usain Bolt may well take the helm at his favourite club Manchester United!

I'm sure, like us here at Sky Sports, you'll be wishing Usain the best of luck.

I don't usually care for real-person stories but I love the concept for this one! I can't wait to see how it develops!


Founded as Beacon in 1972, the club were renamed Seba United after a few years and has won the Jamaican National Premier League in 1987 and 1997, the most famous one was in the 1996/1997 season when they were docked twenty points but still found a way to the lift the title. The club used to play their home games at Jarrett Park, which can hold a capacity of up to 4,000, and is located in Montego Bay.

Seba were relegated from the Premier League after the 2007/2008 season for the first time in their storied history and played in the Western Confederation Super League, before returning to Jamaica's top level for the 2011/2012 season after winning the promotion play-offs. Successful Peruvian coach Danilo Barriga however left the club just a few weeks before the end of the season.

In July 2011, the franchise was acquired by Orville Powell and renamed and rebranded as Montego Bay United, despite earlier claims by former chairman Bruce Gaynor it would not ever happen. They now play their home games at Catherine Hall Sports Complex, Montego Bay.


CFU Club Championship: 0
Runner-up (1): 1997
Jamaican National Premier League: 2
1987, 1997
JFF Champions Cup: 9
1973, 1975, 1976, 1990, 1991, 1992, 1994, 1996, 1999
Western Confederation Super League: 2
2009, 2011

Welcome Mr Bolt, it is a pleasure to have you at the club, please find enclosed my in depth squad report ready for your assessment. With the transfer window opening in a couple of weeks I thought it prudent to provide as much information as possible prior to the inter-squad match which will allow you to see the guys in action.

I have broken them down by their areas of expertise on the pitch as well as providing an average rating based on their performance in training sessions.

We are by no means a rich club, although we do ok, so I have also added the contract information for each player to see if there is any dead wood in your estimation.

Keneil is a solid member of the team, the squad really look up to him and he leads them well, it is my recommendation that you allow him to continue as captain for the sake of morale, especially if you intend to make serious changes to the rest of the squad.

We don't currently have a vice captain which gives you a great chance to put someone in place under Keneil who could later step up to captain if you don't want to rock the boat too early.

My Opinion

We have a good pool of keepers, Jacomeno is great between the sticks and we have a couple of up and coming youngsters who could grow into suitable replacements. We have a great defensive set up although we could well be lacking in experienced first team options.

Our biggest weakness in my eyes are our centre midfield options, on the attacking front we are ok but holding the centre of the park could prove to be a problem, definitely something to consider addressing. We have some great young strikers at the club but again we are possibly lacking the experienced first team members who could lead by example.

I look forward to your ideas and assessments and especially look forward to working alongside you in the coming season.
Welcome to Montego Bay United!

Norman Foster

As the season approaches all eyes will be on Montego Bay United, who after the recent appointment of new manager and Olympic legend Usain Bolt, have the attention of the entire world.

Media predictions prior to the appointment had Seba pegged for seventh place in the league this season but now nobody could predict where they will finish. Could the untested ex-sprinter mould the team into title contenders or, as some are suggesting, is it more likely that they will find themselves crashing out of the league completely.

With the next step being Usain putting his stamp on the club it will be very interesting to see how he thinks the team and it's staff can be improved, while it may be every football fan's dream to manage a real life club it doesn't necessarily mean that fans make good managers, especially in this business orientated day and age.

You are reading "A Bolt From The Blue".

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