FC Groningen - Regencity

Well, that certainly was an eventful day, first we beat Barcelona in the returnleg 3-0, after we won 6-0 in Camp Nou, and going back in my private jet, we ran over some Spanish constructionworkers whilst taking off from the airfield. Luckily my lawyer Jesse Donovan is gonna take care of that.

But the strangest thing happened after we landed on Airport Eelde. Walking into the terminal, we had a sight which was truly unique and it will be etched into my memory forever. A dwarf, not taller than 120cm, was in a threeway fight with a transgender and some guy in a bunny costume. Thats already not an every day sight, but seeing the transgender getting knocked out by a flying dwarf, which got kicked airborne by the guy in the bunnysuit, after he tried to steal the eggs (I hope they were eggs) from the front pocket of the costume was truly a sight to behold.

"Hey you, what the hell do you think you are doing?" were my first really load words towards this strange abomination of human nature. Turning his head (or where his head should be, I hope) he looked at me, and started hopping towards me. "Uwot mate?" and he tried to double kick me. Luckily for him I know some dance moves, stepped graciously out of the way, and he fell on the ground, his cotton tail moving into places where the sun doesnt shine. Seeing him in agonising pan, I helped him to his feet, and took away his gigantous head.

"Well, with whom do I have the pleasure of dealing with?" I asked, barely containing my laughter, seeing an orange tanned person with blue hair coming into my view. "Im Steve Lomax, not Lorax like the cat, but Lomax." "And what do you do for a living?" "Well, Im a bountyhunter, and I want my stephson to play for FCG, but I can't seem to find the FCG coach anywhere. Do you know where he is?" He asked. Now I needed to laugh out load. "You are talking to him, about which kid are we talking here?"

Showing you my newest purchase:

Hahahah what an update.

This is my favourite story in the world Michael. Lomax is a caveman don't mess

We need story of the month back

Well, that was a blast, I thought to myself whilst driving to the supportershome, with the Dutch Cup in the trunk of my Aston Martin One-77. Looking back at the match we had some good things to say, and some bad. The strike from Mohamed from 30 meter was wonderful, but the 2 goals against in the last 3 minutes was bad. But hey, a 6-3 win over Ajax is a win, and we got the cup for the 8th time in a row.

Just as I drive up the A28 above Zwolle, 2 black BMW's M6 with tinted windows and no plates drive by, and block the road in front of me, and force me to stop. "Fuck, this can't be good." 4 guys step out of the backseats of the BMW's, and draw guns. "Get out of the car! NOW!". Not again....

"Well, Fuck this shit." I'm revving up the engine, got my tires smoking, and stare right into the face of the guys who stopped me. "Shut off the engine, or we will Shoot!" shouts one of the men. How about no? As i release the brakes, I steer to the right, and start spinning in circles, drawing a cloud of smoke, and they start shooting. First my windshield, after that my sidewindows, and i catch a bullit in my shoulder. Deciding I had enough of this, I throw out a donut, sweeping all 4 guys, and ram the 2 BMW at the front to get out.

Bleeding like hell, I decide that my rightfoot is lead, and ram down the gas, and speed up to 250. 25 minutes later I finally am in Groningen, not being followed which was almost impossible with those speeds. I certainly have to have a new shirt, I reckon to myself. Parking in front of the supportershome, I grab the cup with my good arm, and see that there is also a bullithole in it. Well that ust gives a small extra taste.

Walking into the supportershome, bleeding, and with the bullit still in my shoulder, I yell: "We have the cup, and I need the first aid kit and a bottle of Absinthe" All I see is shocked faces, and someone rushes me the kit. Grabbing the tweezers, a cloth, and the absinthe, I tear away my shirt, and see the bullithole. Pouring some Absinthe in the wound, I feel it stinging like hell, and I almost get to tears. Taking a big gulp, I put the tweezers in the would, grab the bullit and pull it out and lay it on the cloth. Seeing no stitching supplies, I do the next best thing: I grab the stapler, and staple the would, whilst swearing loudly.

"Guys, I need a new bottle, and a ride to the hospital. Who will do the honours?"

You need to hire body guards dude

Oh dear, could we ever have an update from you that isn't 18+ Class as usual mate.

Holy mother of shitballs, staple a sausage to my ass, throw me in a bathtub with Absinthe and call me a Hippo, We did it. We Fucking Did It. Where our first was just a bit of luck, this year we completely dominated. The CL is ours, even when the Russian Ref was bought by Atletico.

I walked into L.U.X. in St. Petersburg, which I already hired for the evening, stepped to the bar and told the bartender: "Gimme a bottle of the strongest Vodka you have, tonight it is partyyyyyyy." Just as I was sipping on my drink, I saw the bus coming in front of the club, and all the players in FC Groningen attire came in, having to sign a shirt when they went past security.

When everyone was inside, I stepped onto the podium, and cleared my throat: "Guys, we did it. I want to thank you all for the fight you have brought to the field, and tonight drinks, food and women are on me, You deserved it, Now enjoy tonight, as I dont expect any of you to be sober until we are back in Groningen." And after all the cheers, and raising the glasses, I stepped off the podium, and started enjoying the view.

I should have known this would lead to several new sights this very evening. Alex Balik dancing with the bartender was a well known sight, Greco who was just bossing around on the Karaoke was something new, but the strangest thing of the evening may possibly be Mike Hunt, our goalie, who stepped onto the stage, grabbed the mic, and made the announcement of the evening: "Guys, Im Bi, and Im engaged to Cathlyn Jenner"

Mohamed started laughing so hard every looked at him, and with a huge smile on his face he shouted: "Well, I knew you liked to be the man between the sticks, and hold balls, and keep it clean in the back, but now you've shown us that you'll do anything for that!" Everyone started laughing, Mike included. Thats the team I wanted to create, and it was there right before my eyes.

Well, if this is gonna be such a team, I may have to build a new room for all the prizes they are going to get!

Our prizecabinet:

And Just to show off, the list of clubs who wants one of more of my players


Oh, And I renewed my loanlink with FC Dordrecht

This story has me in stitches, honestly superb!

Great story mate

Well, that was quite an eventful evening. We partied on and on, until the sunlight came. I ordered a few choppers, and we flew to the airstrip, where we needed to carry the unconcious Mike Hunt in the plane, because he had a bit too much to drink. I asked the captain what the flightplan was, and appearantly we were meaning to fly over Finland, Sweden and Denmark. Great, nothing but small countries, in comparisation to the Greatness of Holland.

I took my seat in the front of the plane, and was calmly watching Arrow on my laptop, when the captain put on the fasten seatbelts lights. Strapping in, I was hoping to get out of this godforsaken country as soon as possible. I disliked the atmosphere, the cold, and above all, I hadnt forgotten about the time Putin tried to send a fewq man after me. We already had changed the airstrip we were leaving off, thanks to a friend in the Bratva, who was willing to give us a free passage, if we gave them 100.000. An easy price for an easy getaway.

After about 2 hours into the flight, the plane suddenly shook. "Everybody hold on, we have Enginefailure in Motor 1 and 2, and we need to make a crashlanding, We're going down, so prepare for impact." Yeah, that seems to sum up my luck. A crashlanding in Sweden. Like there would be anything else around than a stray moose and a few birds. Luckily I had my international phoneplan and a Nokia 3310, or otherwise my phonebill would have gone through the roof.

Looking out of the window, I saw the plane rapidly declining and a city in the distance. That would probably around 20 km to get there, if we managed to come close. I undid my seatbelt, ran into the cockpit, grabbed the extra seat, and screamed "get close to that goddamn city, that may be our best hope of getting out of here soon." They steered towards it, the captain grabbed the intercom and told with a hint of despair "BRACE FOR IMPACT, ITS GONNA BE A ROUGH ONE." We were skimming just over the pine trees, and a large field opened up before us. With no landinggear this was going to be a rough bellyflop.

KABAM. We were down. The plane was still in 1 piece, miraculously, but we saw a fire on the rightwing. "EVERYBODY OUT, NOW!!!!" Every player ran outside the plane, and got to a safe distance. After helping the pilots get out of the cockpitwindow, I myself was the last to leave the plane. We sprinted away from the plane, and when we were about 70m away, the plane exploded, the pressurewave of the blast throwing us to the ground. Bohm and Hanus came ranning to me.

"You ok boss?" they asked, seeing me lie down, and grabbing my leg. "Yeah, just some shrapnel into my leg, which hurts like hell. I can still stand on it, I only need to tie of the wound." Tearing away a strip of my T-Shirt, I tied of the wound, and stood up. Guys, about 15 km north of here there is a small town. I think we'd better hurry and get there, as otherwise me may have a very cold night here outside.


To be continued....

So the plane exploded? Michael stop with all this drama please.

Holy shitball macaroni sauce. I knew Finland was a cold country, but they didnt warn me about stalactites of your nipples, when you're walking around in a T-shirt. Walking slowly, we went towards the town I saw during the crash, and we huddled together to keep at least a bit warm. Suddenly, Bishop said: "look guys, a car." Greco, Kolovos and Elzinga did a sprintingbattle who would have been first towards the car.

When the car stopped, and I limped towards it, I saw a familiair face coming out. "Lewie "Cold-Ass-Honkey" Roberts. What are you doing here, on this godforsaken place, where I wouldnt even let my grandma die?" I shouted out loudly, falling towards the hood of the car, as walking 15 km with an injured leg can be quite straining for your condition. Lewie walked towards me, a smile from ear to ear which would have made the Joker jealous."Yeah, after my contract ended at Liverpool, this small Finnish club offered me the managersposition. At least the weather is a bit more consistent than in Liverpool."

He grabbed his phone, and called a few people, but I couldnt understand him. Well, with that strange accent he spoke I was even surprised the other end of the line could understand him. About 15 minutes later, we heard the sound of many vehicles. 2 tractors with a huge trailer, 14 snowscooters, and an Ambulance without lights came.

Lewie had a sly grin on his face which would rival the creepy stare of Lewie, which was already more horrible than sitting face to face with Trump, and that meant he had a plan. "You guys aint going into the town just yet, but you will all camp out here tonight. It's tradition for new footballers in this town to spend the first night here in the woods. As you are all footballers, and some crazy criminal, looking at you here Michael, you will either follow traditions, or not getting any help at all."

"We have provided Tents, meat, and an Axe. Its up to you to get the fire started. Hush Hush, go chop some lumber!" Lewie walked to Michael, and said: "We gotta take a look at your leg, but you and I are gonna camp outside here too. Tomorrow we will make plans for you guys to get safely home." Giving me a bottle of Vodak, he took a shot of his own, and smashed the small shotglass on the ground. "Welcome to Finland!"

Trust Lewie to be driving around in the middle of nowhere Got a feeling this camping is gonna end badly