Manchester United vs Braga
VM = Vitor Martins
NH = Neal Hasan
VM: Hello and welcome to tonight's coverage of the Champions League Last 16, I, Oriental Lisbon boss Vitor Martins is here with Neal Hasan. Hello Neal.
...
Neal?
Neal, your mic isn't turned on for god sake.
NH: Ah hello! Yes, it looks like we have a great game on our hands here and I can't wait to get into it!
VM: Bet you can't...
NH: Was that meant to be inappropriate?
VM: Umm... No.
NH: You confuse me sometimes...
VM: Yeah, you likewise. Anyway, lets look at the teams!
VM: Whaddaya think, Neal?
NH: I dunno, I was eating...
VM: For Christ sake...
NH: Vitor?
VM: Yeah?
NH: You do realise the game has kicked off right?
Vitor turns to face the pitch, Neal pours ice cold water down his back
VM: FOR FUCK SAKE NEAL
NH: Hahahahaha!
VM: Right, stop now. The games about to kick off.
Braga kick off.
1 minute in - NH: Here's De Gea with the goal kick for Man United. He's given it to Fabio. Sorry, Rafael. I always get those two mixed up lol. Bender, who, as we all know is in fact a bender, gives it to Rooney, not in that way either. Carrick to Bender, Januzaj on the wing here. The man of many countries, Rooney here, finds van Persie in the box! Costil saves! Januzaj on the rebouuuuuund!!!!!
VM: That was absolutely wank! HAHA!
NH: He's missed! That was shit!
21 minutes in - VM: Mata with the corner here. Sadio Mané heads away, it's fallen to the feet of Januzaj... Out wide to Mata once again. Cross intercepted by Mané who's hoofed it up towards the young Jorge Amorim. Tackled by the captain, Evra. Evans with control now. Carrick to Bender. van Persie in the Braga half here. Januzaj, van Persie, Adnan. Sprints down the line like a cheetah. On steroids. Played across the face of goal! Mata hits it straight at Costil!
NH: Half-Time at Old Trafford. Been terrible so far
VM: Completely agree, wouldn't surprise me if Braga parked the bus now.
49 minutes in... NH: Rafael throws it to Mata, crossed into Giggs! It's there! 1-0 Man United!
VM: Choking on water Goal! *cough* *cough* Why score then? Anyway, a good tactical sub by Hiddink then.
56 minutes in... VM: Evra takes a throw in. Giggs, back to Evra. Tries to switch but finds Mané's head. Vargas now for Braga. Tries a pass to Amorim but cut out by Dante, a strange Brazilian name. Carrick to Januzaj, takes a shot!
NH: OH MY GOD IT'S IN! WHAT A GOAL FROM THE ADNAN HIMSELF!
VM: WHAT A FINISH, TAKE A BOW SON!
64 minutes in... NH: Costil with the goal kick. Carrick heads away, Soares heads it straight to Giggs.. Mata tries to pass but just generally fails. Costil boots it out. Amorim gets there but it's straight to Evra. Giggs, to Januzaj... Januzaj hits it!!!
VM: ANOTHER FANTASTIC GOAL BY JANUZAJ AND IT'S 3-2 MAN UNITED ON AGGREGATE!!!
NH: OMFG HOW.
VM: Soares comes off injured, Ignjovski replaces him.
70 minutes in... NH: Mata with the free-kick into the box, finds Dante at the far post! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
VM: Man United can't fuck it up now, can they?
85 minutes in... VM: Ignjovski commits a foul. Free-kick, van Persie shoots, it's on target! Costil's spilled it! Mata!!!! GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
NH: Fuck me, Braga have been given a new one! They're getting torn apart!
Full-Time
Manchester United 5 - 0 Braga