Champions League Final 2019
: Hello, you little cunts, and welcome to Eurosport's live coverage of today's Champions League Final. I am Neal fucking Hasan!
: Be nice, Neal.
: Shut the fuck up Nico!
: Are you drunk?
: No, bitch!
: Hm... Anyway, welcome to Eurosport's live coverage of today's Champions League Final. Please don't mind my co-commentator here, Neal. The name's Nico Justice, and I will be bringing you through every thing happening here in Athens. Firstly, let's take a look at the line-ups.
: Neuer; Garland, Xulu, Doria, Radu; Blanco, Sylla; Brunner, Kroos, Grealish; Ademilson
: Hansen; Corchia, Pancik, Yanga Mbiwa, Sakho; Alaba, Nainggolan; Gotze, Wilshere, Draxler; Son
: A largely unchanged starting eleven from their squad for the DFB Pokal Final against Stuttgart for Bayern. The only change is Johannes Brunner coming in for Will Hughes. Brunner is only 20 or 21 this year, and David Beckham is showing a lot of faith to the youngster. Let's see if he can repay that faith.
: Arsenal are playing their second-choice goalkeeper! What in the name of Neal Hasan is this?
: It seems that Wojciech Szczesny has not managed to recover fully from his injury.
: But Jack Wilshere, Mario Gotze and David Alaba are playing! Hahahahaha, Bayern are absolutely fucked!
: .... A fair assessment, I suppose. But we should not forget that Bayern boasts the likes of Ademilson and Toni Kroos.
: Whateveeeer! Arsenal are going to thrash 'em!
: Hm... well, we will see. Can Bayern Munich win the quadruple they desire? Let's find out.
1' - We kick off here at the Olympic Stadium in Athens, with Bayern Munich and Arsenal contesting each other for the major prize that is the Champions League. Who will be the kings of Europe?
3' BAYERN GOAL - At only 3 minutes! Jayzus! Bayern Munich go 1-0 up with a fine strike from Ademilson! Trololololol!
ADE-MIL-SON, HE'S A BEAST, HE WILL KEEP YOU ON A LEASH! COME ON DIE BAYERN!
3' - The travelling fans of Bayern Munich are certainly passionate tonight!
4' - Arsenal are quickly on the move as David Alaba hits it beautifully to Jack Wilshere just outside the penalty box, but he fails to finish properly as the ball goes out for a goal kick.
34' - How the fuck did that miss?! Julian Draxler leads the counter-attack as he races down the left wing and crosses it for David Alaba, a perfect chance for him at close range, but he blows it against Manuel Neuer! Is he match-fixing because he used to play for Bayern huh?!
34' - Neal, I think you need to calm down.
45' - And that's it for the first half. Bayern Munich hold on to a shaky 1-0 lead, but Arsenal have shown they are capable of equalizing if they continue to press on in the next 45 minutes. Bayern will have to up their game to stay in the lead.
HT: Bayern 1-0 Arsenal
45' - Welcome back to the second half of the Champions League Final, between Bayern Munich and Arsenal. No changes during the break from either side. Let's kick on.
52' - Mamadou Sakho is shown his second yellow card after going in hard on Ryan Garland! Holy shit! Arsenal down to 10 men!
59' - Two changes made from Bayern Munich with Stefan Radu going off for Martin Legendre and Abdoulaye Sylla making way for Marco Verratti.
69' BAYERN GOAL - And Ademilson is at it again! Toni Kroos plays it to the Brazilian and he strikes it with all his might into the bottom right! What a night it is turning out to be for Bayern Munich! He's made it 2-0!
Hey ho, there he goes, shooting into the net, high or low, he'll crush your woes he's up the hoes, because he's ADE-MIL-SON!
70' - A pretty cool lyric switch of the song Candy right there, which genius came up with that?
71' - AND WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT IT IS TURNING OUT TO BE FOR ARSENAL! David Alaba gets his second yellow for sliding in on Jesus Blanco, and he's off! Arsenal down to nine men! I repeat, nine men!
73' - Johannes Brunner has the ball and he strikes it, but it hits the post...! And it is eventually gathered by Jesper Hansen. A wasted opportunity to make it 3-0.
74' - Ryan Garland will go off for Philipp Lahm to make his appearance in the Champions League Final! Woohooo! All hail Bayern Munich!
74' - I swear you were cheering for Arsenal just minutes ago...
75' - What an action-packed few minutes. Son Heung-Min comes close, but his shot is brilliantly punched away into row Z by Manuel Neuer.
78' ARSENAL GOAL - They are down to nine men, but they haven't given up yet! Daaaaamn what a goal! Son Heung-Min gets past his marker and wins the one-on-one with the keeper! Bayern 2-1 Arsenal! Come on you Gunners!
84' - And Bayern are now reduced to 10 men after Jack Grealish is injured by Yanga Mbiwa. This is certainly turning out to be an interesting Final. Can Arsenal break through?
85' - WHAT A CHANCE! Son Heung-Min has a fantastic opportunity to make it 2-2, but his fierce shot is saved by Manuel Neuer again, who has been quite the hero tonight.
86' ARSENAL GOAL - And they've done it! THEY'VE EQUALIZED! Arsenal have equalized 2-2 with Bayern Munich! A sweaty goal nonetheless, but whatever! A fine strike from Mario Gotze!
89' ARSENAL GOAL - WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK! THEY'VE DONE IT! THEY'VE FUCKING DONE IT! ARSENAL HAVE SEIZED THE WINNER THROUGH JACK WILSHERE, WHO GETS CLEAR OF HIS MARKER, AND FIRES HIS TEAM TO GLORY! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL! WITH ONLY 9 MEN! JAYZUS! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S NO QUADRUPLE FOR BAYERN MUNICH AFTER ALL!!!!
90' - And holy Jesus, it is done. Arsenal have won 3-2, against Bayern Munich, who have had their 'perfect quadruple' hopes absolutely smashed.
FT: Bayern 2-3 Arsenal
: Bayern's defenders seemed to be sitting back in the last 10 minutes. Not very good from Siyanda Xulu and Doria.
: Yeah! Holy cow!
: It is heartbreak for Bayern Munich, but I am sure they will be in with a chance next year. It has been a truly magnificent Champions League Final, and we thank all of you tuning in to allow us to grace with you through this excellent match.
: Alright alright alright, can we go now?
: I am Nico Justice, and the drunk dude is Neal Hasan. Signing off, good night!